Let’s get one thing straight, nobody likes going to the school bathrooms. The smell is atrocious, and even worse, people decide that suddenly all the knowledge they had on how to flush a toilet is gone. It’s as if they had just stepped into a magical portal that strips students of all integrity, cleanliness and care. If you have the misfortune of having to step through this horrid portal, here is a step-by-step guide on how to flush the toilets.

The toilets and urinals have different strategies of flushing, but both are equally important. Otherwise, how would we ever be able to survive the war damage happening in each bathroom?

How to flush the toilets:

Step 1: Go to school. Wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, get ready, eat breakfast and show up to the building. Say hi to your friends! They will certainly be extremely supportive of your business endeavors.

Step 2: Receive the signal. Sit in class and wonder if you’ve forgotten about something. Then, realize that something is calling you, and that something is nature.

Step 3: Strut into the bathroom. The bathroom is the prime location for the best mirror selfie lighting, and you have to brave the masses of people in the bathroom with as much confidence as you can possibly muster. In addition, put on your best listening ears because the best gossip is the gossip you hear from inside the stalls!

Step 4: Find your VIP reserved stall. Every person has one stall they use every time, and therefore, it is vital to assign yourself to a certain stall. Then, you’ll be able to get the best experience while doing your business.

Step 5: Enter your business meeting. Enough said. 🙂

Step 6: Rip a piece of toilet paper. It is essential to your business endeavors. If you are embarrassed of other people hearing you rip the toilet paper, this is your time to shine. Cough, sneeze, make as much noise as you can — that way, you will be embarrassed for a lot more than just ripping a piece of toilet paper.

Step 7: Either hear a noise or don’t. Some toilets have automatic flushing, so if you hear a noise, that’s a really good sign! It signals the official end of your business meeting.

Step 8: If noise is not heard, press the button or push the handle near the toilet. This is done in order for you to have complete control over when your business meeting ends, of your own accord.

Step 9: Watch as everything disappears into the void. This is probably the most important step, because if everything turns out to not disappear into the void, the person after you will suffer greatly. And so will the janitors. Be respectful of the janitors.

Step 10: Avoid the void. Make sure any devices you have (like phones, watches and earbuds) don’t end up inside the toilet and into the void. This is probably the second most important step, because if your devices disappear into the void, you will suffer greatly, and your parents will suffer greatly. Actually, your bank account will also suffer greatly.

Step 11: Make sure it is ready for the next person to use. Like in step no. 9, don’t make other people suffer because you decide to not listen to these instructions.

Step 12: Don’t be gross, wash your hands. Nobody wants their stuff touched by hands that just got out of a disgusting bathroom that weren’t properly washed. Also, gross germs can linger on your hands, which is not nice at all. 

And you’re all set! Now you can go back to class, which is slightly less torturous than going into the bathroom of everyone’s nightmares.

How to flush the urinals:

Step 1: Go to school. Set out your nicest khaki shorts and t-shirt, ones that are sure to impress every person you walk by. Make sure everyone knows you own the place, because that’s what will help you get through the day. Don’t forget copious amounts of Axe Body Spray!

Step 2: Receive the signal. You have to strategically organize what times you’ll go into the bathroom.

Step 3: Stomp into the bathroom. Make as much noise as you can so people know that you’re in there. Most importantly, plan how you’re going to spend your precious time there, especially if you find that your friends have mysteriously joined you!

Step 4: Embrace toxic masculinity. Scream as loud as you can and decide which urinal is best suited for your plans.

Step 5: Conduct business. During this time, you will have to be the most accurate you’ll ever be in your life. Make this your life’s mission.

Step 6: And then when you’re done… you don’t flush them. 🙂

Conclusion: 

Hopefully you find this guide helpful. The next time you find yourself needing to use the bathrooms, you’ll know exactly how to avoid the inevitable toilet that isn’t flushed properly!

This story is satire.