Contrary to popular belief, perfect grades are necessary to any form of success in life, not just college acceptance. Want a job? They’ll be asking detailed questions about your exact high school GPA, ready to blacklist you for that one B you got back in eighth grade Algebra I. Need a loan? Banks don’t trust just anyone, you know. Studies have shown that imperfect GPAs lead to imperfect people, who just happen to be 84% less likely to pay back loans.

Unfortunately for you, you’ll be in that 84% with your current grades, and it’ll stay like that no matter how many all-nighters you pull or how many tears you shed. You’ll eventually realize that reading the textbook is useless — creating those Quizlet study guides is a waste of time. They say all roads lead to Rome, but really, all roads lead to cheating.

Is it even worth it, you ask? You may have been (incorrectly) taught that cheaters never prosper. But keep in mind, your teachers want you to fail. Why else would they not be giving you free 100s? So, remember, grades are necessary for success in life, so why wouldn’t you cheat? Academic dishonesty for the sake of that coveted acceptance letter is an easy decision. What’s stopping you?

For the sake of convenience, we’ve compiled a list of the top three ways to cheat, all tried and tested by our team of experts.

Method One: Night-time Escapades

1. Plan.

Create a detailed plan. Make sure to outline every possible scenario of what can and can’t go wrong. Plan for every possible contingency. After all, who’s to say that the impending alien invasion won’t happen during the exact moment you execute this plan? Thus, this step is essential to your success.

2. Gather materials.

Once your plan is written, (minimum 20 pages, double spaced, 12pt Times New Roman,) assemble needed supplies. At the very least, these supplies should include a state-of-the-art spy outfit. For inspiration, think Catwoman. Who knows? Her signature pleather catsuits may guide you towards a different career path.

You also might need a little bit of information, especially to bypass the security system. Although this might be a little more difficult, we’ve found that the easiest way to do so is to become an incredibly accomplished hacker and computer scientist. After practicing by hacking a few simple companies such as Google and Microsoft, you’ll finally be ready to break into HISD’s uber-secure system.

3. Execute.

Once the big day finally comes, make sure not to show any signs of nervousness or tell anyone; you never know who you can and can’t trust. (CVHS students learned that the hard way.) Once the time finally comes, make sure to take your time. Not a single mistake can be made.

4. Sneak through the vents.

For the easiest and most effective way to complete your goal, we recommend sneaking in through the vents. Once you’re in through the vents, imagine you’re one of those mice in a maze; it makes it ten times easier. (Again, we speak from experience.) When you’re in your desired classroom(s), summon your inner James Bond/Indiana Jones/desired fictional hero to perform an elaborate dismount. We’ve attached a detailed map to give you a free insight into CVHS’s vent systems.

5. Secure the answer key.

Self-explanatory.

6. Leave the school flawlessly.

Once you’ve secured the key, make sure you leave just as gracefully as you entered; you don’t want yourself getting caught!

7. Memorize and pass.

Once you’re in a safe place, review the answer key and memorize it. Then, take the exam and pass!

Method Two: Knowing it Like the Back of Your Hand

1. Gather Content.

Just because you’re guaranteed a hundred from following these steps doesn’t mean you don’t need to work for it. Create a detailed list of everything you need to know for the upcoming assessment. However, keep in mind that it needs to be aesthetically pleasing. No one wants to see a screenshot of the Wikipedia page on thermodynamics on your arm.

2. Research.

Tattoos can be risky if done improperly. Allergic reactions, skin infections and bloodborne diseases pose potential risks to your grade. Therefore, it’s vital to locate a tattoo artist and parlor with good reviews and sanitary procedures. However, keep in mind that tattoos may cost $50-200, depending on location. If you’re broke, you’re in luck! At-home tattooing kits cost less than 50 bucks on Amazon. Don’t worry, those middle school art classes have overprepared you for this, really.

3. Convince.

Your parents, or maybe the tattoo artist if they’re judgy. Keep in mind that this step is nonessential. Worst case scenario, they say no, and you do it yourself. What are they going to do about it, stop you? Yeah, as if.

4. Get the tattoo.

Simply hand the artist the list you compiled in Step 1, and you’re done! You may get a few weird looks from other clientele, but who cares? You’ll be successful, and they won’t. If you truly feel the need to establish dominance, simply open up PowerSchool. They’ll be trembling in no time.

5. Profit.

If you happen to forget something, simply look at your arm/hand/leg/back. If your teacher pauses to question your recent body art, say it has sentimental value. With any luck, you’ll get extra credit.

Method Three: Devious Doppelgangers

1. Scour the internet.

For this method, simply go on the internet and search for someone to take your place on the day of the exam. We interviewed experts in this industry and found that Craigslist ranks high among recommended hiring websites. Just be extra careful to not fall for the Nigerian Prince emails. We can personally attest that he is lying. He does not, in fact, transfer the promised three million to you, so wake up, sheeple. The moon isn’t real.

2. Find the perfect candidate

This shouldn’t be hard. Really, the only requirement is being a Mensa member since conception, or at the very least, being Tom Holland. After all, what teacher would fail Spiderman? Other boring qualities, like looks, are really just irrelevant. In this day and age, plastic surgery is easily accessible. 

3. Devise a plan.

Once you’ve hired the perfect “twin,” make sure to come up with a plan that won’t blow up both of your covers. This should include having them to memorize the entirety of your life, down to the very last tidbits of information. You may think this is excessive, but what if an overzealous teacher happens to ask you what you had for breakfast, exactly one week and three days ago? Exactly.

4. Relax.

Once the day of the exam rolls over, take a day for yourself. We recommend celebrating your hard work with some self-care. No need to worry about failing a test if you already have someone else taking it for you! Next thing you know, you’ll see a shiny one hundred in the gradebook, thanks to your tremendous efforts.

This story is satire.