HISD recently issued a failing performance evaluation to CVHS, citing the school’s refusal to stop producing perfect, high-achieving students.
The district’s performance rating system is designed to reward schools for demonstrating growth and improvement. Schools with struggling students can earn high ratings by showing measurable academic gains over time. However, CVHS, a previously top-ranked magnet school known for its rigorous academics, has consistently produced top test scores and a near-perfect graduation rate. Accordingly, there was simply no room for further advancement.
“Carnegie’s scores are perfect across the board. Literally perfect. And that’s a huge problem,” said a district representative at a press conference, head-shaking.
CVHS administrators felt blindsided by this most recent evaluation. Administrators insist that students should not be penalized for performing at the highest possible level, and that the grading system for evaluations needs to be revised. However, district officials remain unmoved.
“When we look at school ratings, we don’t just ask, ‘Is this school good?’ We ask, ‘Is this school getting better?’” explained another district spokesperson, motioning towards a graph filled with arrows pointing up.
Students at CVHS who have long prided themselves on academic excellence, were shocked to learn that their biggest weakness was, in fact, their lack of weakness
“I thought I was doing well, but now I feel like I’ve completely failed by not failing enough,” one CVHS junior said while clutching a stack of AP textbooks.
Despite pushback, the district plans to continue with their current grading system. This leaves CVHS students with only one option – to start failing.
CVHS administrators have announced sweeping curriculum changes to better align with district standards. Effective immediately, all current AP courses will be replaced with remedial classes to allow students the opportunity to grow into higher coursework over the span of four years. One new AP class will be introduced, AP Struggling. This class will focus on concepts like procrastination, forgetting homework and the art of skipping class.
In addition to curriculum changes, CVHS has also decided to lower all GPAs to create a dramatic upward trend. Moving forward, all students will start each semester with an automatic F, giving them ample opportunity to demonstrate the resilience and academic grit the district so desperately craves.
However, the district remains skeptical that CVHS can sink low enough to meet their expectations.
“One semester of failure isn’t enough,” warned one district official. “We need to see long term, sustained hardship. A total downfall, not just a temporary dip.”
CVHS students were last seen desperately trying to forget the quadratic formula before the next round of standardized testing. While the students were busy, the CVHS faculty members were seen in the teacher’s lounge frantically brainstorming ways to create a curriculum that encourages failure but still follows the district-mandated lesson plan.
“We will make sure our students fail with flying colors,” one CVHS teacher promised.
This story is satire.
