CVHS has announced that starting in the 2025-2026 school year, all students will be required to take four years of Physical Education (PE).
“Physical fitness is the key to academic success,” Principal Raymond Algae said during a faculty and staff assembly. “Students are required to attend PE in matching uniforms, and our goal is to produce well-rounded, sweaty students who are ready for anything — especially the hellacious cross country meet.”
For years, students at CVHS have been required to take only a single year of PE, often completed during freshman year and never brought up again. A new time has dawned, one where badminton is a requirement and basketball continues every semester with increasing competition.
The administration has laid out a curriculum. Freshman year will cover basics such as push-ups, “accidentally” forgetting gym uniform and learning how to walk slowly around the track when coaches are not looking. Sophomore year will introduce more advanced topics like swim team relays and synchronized stretching. Juniors will be expected to demonstrate Olympic-level skiing skills, while seniors will be tested on their ability to climb a rope with only the help of some emotional support from peers and no harness.
Students have responded with an appropriate level of enthusiasm — meaning none.
“This is outrageous,” junior Lily Lazy said, who has not broken a sweat since freshman year. “I was planning on majoring in biology, not pickleball, and now I have less time to study for my AP Physics test.”
Seniors are expressing deep hatred towards the new policy changes.
Senior Dylan Cruz said, “I have already completed my credit, why do I have to go back now … I am quitting school!”
In response to backlash, the administration rushed to release a clarifying statement.
“We understand students may be concerned. But let us remind you, this is about health. Also, we got a really good deal on basketballs in bulk,” CVHS administration wrote.
Rumors suggest that the change was influenced by Coach Daniel Thunder, the PE teacher who runs three marathons a year.
“Students nowadays don’t appreciate burpees,” Thunder said.
This decision has led to a growth in appreciation for the current system.
“I used to complain about PE, but now I realize how good we had it. That was a blessing,” senior Celia Brown said.
So as CVHS prepares to start four-year PE, current students are encouraged to savor the underappreciated joy of only doing it once. Because nothing builds gratitude like the threat of mandatory Peloton classes every year.
This story is satire.
