In a surprise decision, Common App has unveiled new admission requirements that have left students from coast-to-coast in a frantic. Applicants must now submit at least 15 extracurriculars, obtain a GPA of over 4.7 and save a tiny village or eradicate an obscure disease in order to be admitted.
“College applications were getting too easy. We prefer students who are not only responsible, but are also able to end world hunger,” Lisa Overachiever, a Common App representative, commented.
The announcement sent students into a frenzy. The next day, junior Adam Alsharif enrolled in 12 more clubs, formed a nonprofit and began training to run in the Olympics.
“I haven’t slept in three weeks, but getting into college is totally worth it,” Alsharif stated, downing his third Red Bull of the day.
In the meantime, other students are looking for creative ways to meet the requirement. Junior Martin Perez even hired a professional resume writer.
“If I list my second grade ballet recital, my after-school job walking my neighbor’s dog and that time I sorted my sock drawer, I should have 15 extracurriculars,” Perez said.
Parents are getting in on the action too.
“I thought my son was a strong applicant with a 4.5 GPA and his presidency in student government. Now I’m thinking about whether or not we should adopt an endangered panda to make his application more appealing,” one mom said while shaking her head.
In response to public outcry, Common App reassured students that they are not alone in their struggles.
“We understand that these new requirements are difficult. That’s why we’re allowing students to submit personal essays about their hardships, such as the trauma of only having 14 extracurriculars instead of 15,” Overachiever said.
High schools are also competing to help their students stand out in the face of these extreme standards. One Texas school announced that all incoming freshmen were now automatically enrolled in 10 clubs by default, while another nearby school introduced obligatory 5 a.m. volunteer shifts for all students.
With the application deadline looming, students are leaving no stone unturned in order to get noticed.
“I recently started a charity, learned three new languages and built a rocket ship in my backyard. If I don’t get into college, I don’t know what they want anymore,” junior Erin Torres said.
Not all hope is lost though. Overachiever told Upstream that there are still opportunities for students that are “underqualified”: community college.
This story is satire.
