4.20, 4.41, 4.98, 5.09. These are not just a random collection of numbers that happen to be higher than your GPA. Instead, they are something far more frightening: a reflection of the rising gas prices across our beloved country. In a world plagued by disease, violence, hatred, and misfortune, these numbers are the true cause of all evil in this world. At least, that’s what seems to be true, as it is all anyone talks about these days. 

Since we know it is horrifying to pay your entire monthly rent to fill up on gas, we have compiled a list of 15 alternatives to paying for gas to get to your next destination (even though you probably have nowhere important to be anyways). 

15 alternatives to paying for high gas prices: 

1. Take a nap until gas prices go down

None of us know how long this will go on, but when has napping not been the best way to avoid your problems? Reality is overrated! Take a well-deserved nap until prices revert back to normal, perhaps you will break a Guinness world record for longest nap!

2. Don’t go to the destination since you weren’t invited anyways

Let’s be honest. We all know you have nowhere to really go, so stop inviting yourself to places. Stay home and watch trashy reality TV shows like the rest of us and stop trying to be something you are not. 

3. Riding a horse 

Yeehaw! Go to the closet barn (or PetSmart, if you are feeling classy) and discreetly steal a horse. Then you can gallop through town like a true Texan. 

4. Pushing your car to your location  

If you can’t afford gas, then quit being lazy and make that car move in another way. Stand behind your car and push it until it starts rolling. Then jump in for a few minutes while it moves on its own. Then do it again 500 more times until you get to your destination. (Bonus: This is a great substitute for a day at the gym!)

5. Injure yourself and call an ambulance

Throw yourself down the stairs, dislocate your arm, or as the theater kids say, break a leg! After this, call an ambulance for help and they will get you where you need to be in a jiffy… you’ll just need to pay an arm and a leg. 

6. Swivel chairs

Everyone loves sliding on slick floors in swivel chairs. So, why not embrace this passion for a greater purpose? Swivel chairs, like cars, have wheels and can serve as a great alternative. Just make sure you hold on tight.

7. Parkour 

Jump from building to building or do an awesome flip. Parkour ensures you get to your destination in the most flashy way, just make sure you avoid the police, though.

8. Use your local subway 

Contrary to popular belief, Houston does in fact have a Subway that will make you feel like you’re in the Big Apple (yes, they have them there too). You can find them all across the city, and apparently, they make the best damn sandwiches in town.

9. Ask a grocery store employer to push you in a shopping cart

Next time the cashier asks you “paper or plastic”, surprise them with your own question: “Can you push me in a shopping cart like one of your French girls?” They will be so stunned that they will have no choice but to say yes, giving you a free ride across the city. 

10. Stealing the animal scooters from Memorial mall

Drive to your local mall and rent an animal scooter! You can now drive around on a soft zebra or a magical unicorn with style.

11. Get a wheelbarrow

Ready for a bumpy ride? Ask a friend, stranger, or your mom to push you in a wheelbarrow down a hill. Just hope you get out with no injuries!

12. Slingshot ride (at the Rodeo) 

If you have dreams of soaring through Houston’s polluted skies, then the Slingshot ride at the rodeo is the way to go. Plus, there’s no traffic! 

13. Get bit by a radioactive spider and web swing across the city

Want to become Spiderman? Just get bit. If it wasn’t that simple, then how would there be three live-action Spider-Men? Soon, you will be swinging through the city like Tom Holland! Or Andrew Garfield… or maybe Tobey Maguire. We’re not sure, it’s confusing nowadays. 

14. Hop on the magic school bus

Beep beep! Seatbelts everyone! Hop on the Magic School Bus and travel with Ms. Frizzle and her class through people’s nostrils to their intestines to Mars and into a baked pie.  

15. Stop being cheap and get a job

The title says it all. If you have made it this far into the article, then you could have been using this precious time to get a job. As the great Kim Kardashian once said, “It seems like no one wants to work these days.” Stop searching for NFTs and use the link below instead:

https://www.indeed.com/ 

*** Upstream News claims no responsibility for the injuries that may occur if you choose to attempt any of the above.***