On March 22, Texas governor Ted Cruz questioned attorney, jurist, and Supreme Court nominee Kentanji Brown Jackson about her values as a woman, mother, and person with self-respect.

Cruz opened with a real thinker.

“In law school, you passed this note to your classmate. I’ll read it aloud: ‘I really have to pee.’ Do you still agree with this sentiment from your days in law school? Are you implying that toilet heights should be lowered?” Cruz asked, leaning so far into the microphone that his painful-looking stubble loudly scratched against it. Several congressmen were seen jerking awake at the abrupt noise, pretending to not have nodded off.

(Cruz anonymously received a gift basket full of fruit and a shaving razors the following day.)

Jackson answered this question, as she would many more to follow, with an audible sigh.

Cruz’s questions ranged from invasive to painfully obvious.

“Is pineapple on pizza a crime punishable by jailtime?”

“Look at this picture book drawing of a baby. Is the baby having fun?”

“Would you describe your childhood as happy, traumatic, or ‘pronouns’?”

“Did this man eat your son?”

“How might you describe the “Renegade” dance on the hit social media app Tik Tok?”

“Why didn’t you wish Dream a happy birthday?”

“Do you refill your toilet paper so that the end is behind the roll, or do you do it the wrong way?

(Judge Chung promptly called for a recess. “It was a knee-jerk reaction. I was so stunned… appalled… disgusted… I knew I wasn’t the only one that needed a break after hearing that,” she said.)

Jackson wasn’t the only one in awe of Cruz’s line of questioning. Stenographer Linda Hux expressed her thoughts to reporters after the hearing, midway through writing her 2-weeks notice email.

“I stopped listening and started making patterns with the buttons,” she explained.

Other court personnel were seen slowly losing their minds throughout the hearing.

Judge Chung was asked for her thoughts on Cruz’s hearing following its long-awaited end.

“It felt like sitting through another three hours of batman with my son,” she said. “Except that Ted Cruz was poorly impersonating the Riddler, and there were no attractive men walking in slow motion.”

She then banged the gavel against her head to dismiss court.

When asked about how she thought her confirmation hearing went after it was over, Brown looked as if she’d started regretting her career choice in the court room.

Brown had one thought to give the reporters. “I went to law school for this?”