Door Handle, Grade 9

Dear Upstream,

I feel so alone all the time. Why does no one like me? I am such a cool person. Maybe even the coolest.  But I am properly alone.  

-Please dawg

Contrary to popular belief, cool people can’t be hot because cool =/= warm. Despite this, there are plenty of things you can do to be more appealing! I don’t really know of any but I’m sure you’re super smart because you have to be to come to me for advice! So you can figure it out! 

Hope this helps, 

xx DJ Pheromones

Tunasalad, Grade 12

Dear Upstream,

I like a flirty girl that’s flirty with everyone but I think I’m different, I must set myself apart but I’m not sure how

-idk

Oh, dear! This is quite the predicament, but don’t you fret, I have the solution. You have to grand gesture her up. I’m talking a Patrick Verona in “10 Things I Hate About You” full serenade that ends in a full flash mob — “Friends With Benefits” style. Honestly, I’d even recommend going full JD in “Heathers” (the best rom-com of the past century) to really get her attention. This is a call to action; go FULL out just to prove how truly different and perfect for her you are! 

Please don’t hold me liable for any damages,

xx DJ Pheromones

Mana Riqsisqa, Grade 12

Dear Upstream,

Hey guys. I need your help. So there’s this person who I have had a crush on for a really long time. This year we started talking and I’ve been building up the courage to ask them out. That being said, I’m anxious about the whole thing. I don’t know how they’ll take it and I’m worried I’m misinterpreting their friendly attitude toward me (I’m horrible at reading signs). I just want to be as respectful as I can, and don’t know what to do.

-I would love any advice!

I’ve been in this situation more times than I count (which is a lot because I have like 5 fingers so I can count to at least 12) and every time, I have done the same thing — just try. And I know it’s scary but you just kinda have to do it and I know people say that the worst they can say is “no”, but that’s actually not true at all. There are so many terrible things they can do that aren’t saying no. They can kill you, for one, or punch you in the face, challenge you to a dance-off where they beat you horribly (true story), or even enter a slam poetry competition with a poem that’s just them screaming, “DJ Pheromones is ugly” over and over for ten minutes which is honestly breaking the rules because the time limit for the competition was two minutes so they SHOULD NOT have won but I guess the system is just rigged against you because everyone hates you and wants to see you fail. But umm yeah, ask them out, the worst they can do is traumatize you permanently, ruining your chances of ever finding true love because you can’t let anyone in, you are a fortress built by the blood of rejection and nothing can ever tear you down so now you’re destined to be alone forever, giving love advice to petulant high schoolers who can’t man-up and just ask people out.

Make sure to always take chances,

xx DJ Pheromones

born again v-day appreciator, Grade 12

Dear Upstream,

Everything about valentine’s day used to make me sick. I’ve always hated the color pink (being a boy and all that,) and the dumb hearts everywhere made me feel violent. Growing up, I would lash out at the mere sight of a valentine’s day card.  Now I’ve learned to contain it, and put up with the garish holiday, but hating it is so tiring.  Seeing everyone so happy makes me so sad. Maybe I’ve just needed someone to love. Which leads me to my question. How do I date?

-please teach me to open up my heart, oh Cupid’s disciple 

Hi, born again v-day appreciator, I actually will not be reading all that 🙁 

Be more concise,

xx DJ Pheromones

Failing Pre-AP Chemistry, Grade 10

Dear Upstream,

Help me how do i do this question i currently have a 54 in pre-ap chem

Balance (MnO4)- + (I)- → MnO2 + I2 if the reaction occurs in basic aqueous conditions using the half-reaction method.

-help me

Okay crazy story, so I took chemistry in the online year so I learned NOTHING but I do know a little thing about chemistry so I think the solution to your problem is getting MnO2 to ask out I2. I understand that this can be difficult because they are still hung up on their exes (MnO4) and (I) but you just have to give them that little push, add some fire under their tails. You might get a slightly unexpected reaction but you just have to get through it. I think you can get them to fall in love and become intertwined with a little perseverance!

Science is for nerds,

xx DJ Pheromones

Sigma(male), Grade 9

Dear Upstream,

I think I’m in love with my friend’s cat. I’m not a zoophile but I can’t help but think of her as my bride. There’s just something about her meows, they make my heart flutter. I think about her every day and night. I don’t know what to do. Am I a bad person? 

-Please, I need help!

If you have to say that you’re “not a zoophile”, then you’re probably a zoophile. Freak. 

Get help,

xx DJ Pheromones

The Rizzler, Grade 9

Dear Upstream,

My crush is a cannibal. Like, the bone-crushing, ruthless kind. But here’s the thing. I really want to give her my heart this Valentine’s Day, but I’m not quite sure how to do it. Any surgeon recommendations you have for me would be greatly appreciated. Beyond that, I was trying to figure out the plating and more generally the way in which I could go about pulling something like this off on February 14th. 

-I call out to you, great one. 

Okay so first things first, you have to do this entirely by yourself. You don’t want to get a surgeon because that will just prove to her that you aren’t fully committed. She will think you are a wimp so you have to cut out your heart yourself. The process is actually fairly simple, you can find tons of tutorials on WikiHow and Youtube! Next, I would recommend going to pier one imports to find some amaze-balls decorations and plating options. I recommend going with either a white or black color palette so the red of your heart will really pop against it. Once you’ve done that, make certain to hire an organ player to set the mood. As we all know, cannibals love organs because they are just to die for! 

Make sure to serve,

xx DJ Pheromones

Scott Pilgrim, Grade 10

Dear Upstream,

I’m looking for my Ramona Flowers. This is to let women know I am on the market. I am available anytime. My number is 281-***-**37. Only requirements are a sense of whimsy and an emotional detachment, as well as putting up with my narcissism.  

-I’ll be waiting.

Hey Scotty Boy, this truly is the plight of the common man, isn’t it? I am more than happy to help you find love, but for your safety, I have censored your phone number. Fret not, though my man, because if she is a true Ramona, she will find you no matter what. I understand how this could be troubling, though, as you don’t know the speed to which she will find you so for that reason, I am giving her coordinates to expedite her search: 33.8973° N, 118.0086° W. Ramona, you know what to do from here.

Send me postcards from the honeymoon,

xx DJ Pheromones

Alpha (male), Grade 9

Dear Upstream,

How do I get people to like me?

-in need of a mate

Buy pheromones. You can get them off of amazon, real cheap. Buy all of them. Buy as many as you can. The pheromones are the key. You need more pheromones. You need to buy pheromones. You need to buy pheromones and cover yourself with them. Bathe in the pheromones. Put the pheromones on all your clothes. Drink the pheromones. Add the pheromones to your protein shakes. Paint your nails with pheromones. Roll around in a puddle of the pheromones like the swine you are. Replace your cologne with the pheromones. Become the pheromones. You need the pheromones. Buy the pheromones. You are the pheromones.

Smell ya l8r,

xx DJ Pheromones