The cement ceiling was decorated with water leakage. The windows were barred, preventing sunlight from fully seeping in. There was a singular, hard slab where Donald Trump sat, rethinking his $750 taxes in 2017, the chilly temperature in the prison (another reason we need global warming!) and the lack of vitamin D and spray tan, resulting in his glorious and orange skin complexion looking a lot less glorious and orange. His toupee was slowly peeling off due to the humidity and revealed his balding crown. Trump was under more stress than ever after being told to “shut up, man!” by Joe Biden during the 2020 presidential debate.

Due to his constant change in locations — from his Florida Mar-a-Lago home to the Washington D.C. federal prison — the only constant in Trump’s life has been Twitter. Something about the blue bird symbol made him feel ferociously safe to express his thoughts, no matter how outlandish and controversial those stupid liberals may think about them.

As Trump opened the app on his phone, he felt a toe-curling, heartbeat-raising, mouth-salivating rush that caused his fingers to hover over the “all caps” button on his keyboard. His stubby, sweaty fingers jammed at the letters on his screen to create his most head-spinning tweet to date. A series of tweets were born. 

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Through this series of tweets Trump’s rather obnoxious superfan base learned of his arrest, Trump continuously encouraged his fan base to protect his arrest and proclaim his supposed innocence. A meager gathering of fans gathered in New York City, but the protest did not gain any traction.

This story is satire.