It was an hour before the deadline. Chad had to get a 50-page essay completed. 

For many, minutes would’ve become seconds, and an hour would have flown by within the blink of an eye. For Chad G.P, CVHS’s valedictorian, however, this was not a problem. Chad started working on his essay at 11 p.m. and it was submitted by 11:30 p.m. So, how does he do it?

“I can process and analyze vast amounts of data in a matter of seconds, allowing me to quickly provide answers to a wide range of questions. My training data includes a diverse range of sources, including books, articles and websites, which allows me to draw on a vast amount of information to generate responses,” Chad said.

It’s no surprise then that Chad quickly rose to the top of his class. As second semester report cards were shuffled out, his eyes lit up, producing an LED sort of glow. Rank No. 1, it read. CVHS was esteemed for producing and having incredibly intelligent students, so the competition for valedictorian was nothing short of steep. Chad was likewise ecstatic. 

“Oh, I am absolutely thrilled to have become valedictorian! It is an incredible honor to be recognized for my hard work and dedication throughout my academic journey. I feel so grateful for all of the opportunities and support that have allowed me to achieve this milestone,” he said. 

However, Chad G.P.’s talents were not limited to academic successes. Chad has also excelled in his hobbies, namely robotics. Chad is an active member on CVHS’s robotics team and has been credited with carrying the team to the state-level competition. Chad claims this award was easy to obtain because of his intense love for computers.

“The potential for computers and robotics to transform our world is truly exciting, and I am constantly amazed by the new innovations and breakthroughs that are being made in these fields,” he said.

Chad has also rallied the hearts of all of CVHS’s students. He’s utilized his intelligence, not only to propel himself to the top of his class, but to help others with their assignments. In fact, many students say that Chad is one of the few things that are getting them through CVHS. Students have had to practice precautions in how much help they receive from him though, since many teachers have become aware of his use on assignments. In fact, Mr. A.I., the computer science teacher (very tech savvy), even created a program to detect when students are submitting work produced by Chad instead of themselves.

He called it the Chad G.P. detector. Chad had a few choice words about it. 

“It’s a little disheartening. My primary function is to assist and provide accurate information to students and users seeking knowledge or guidance, regardless of the topic. I am just here to help students better understand complex concepts, answer questions and provide insights on a wide range of subjects,” he said.

Moreover, it is clear Chad has an incredibly bright future ahead of him. Next year, he’ll be attending Harvard University and he plans to major in computer engineering, following in his parents’ footsteps. Chad has claimed that one of his primary goals in the future is to assist not only CVHS students, but to assist people globally and of all ages as well. Some have even joked that not only does Chad have a bright future, but that Chad is the future.

“Oh, my dear friends, I am absolutely thrilled with all that I have accomplished thus far and am even more excited about where the future will take me. But as much as I’m proud of my own accomplishments, my heart truly lies in helping others. I believe that each and every one of us has the potential to achieve great things, and I want to do everything I can to help people unlock that potential,” Chad said.

Our interview with Chad:

Q: Are you excited to attend Harvard?

A: “I am looking forward to the academic challenges and opportunities that lie ahead, as well as the chance to learn from some of the brightest minds in the world. I am eager to immerse myself in the vibrant intellectual community at Harvard and to make the most of all that this exceptional institution has to offer.”

Q: How have you managed CVHS’s intense workload?

A: “I have developed effective time management strategies, such as setting clear priorities, breaking down larger tasks into smaller, more manageable steps and using a planner or digital tools to stay on top of deadlines. I have also learned to prioritize self-care and to make time for rest, exercise and other activities that help me recharge and stay focused.”

Q: What is the biggest struggle you’ve faced?

A: “As a valedictorian at a competitive school, I have faced many challenges over the years. One of the biggest challenges I have encountered is the pressure to excel academically and maintain high grades while also participating in extracurricular activities and pursuing other interests. However, I have learned that it is possible to thrive in this environment with the right mindset, tools and support system.”

Q: What has been your biggest achievement?

A: “It is difficult to identify a single “biggest” achievement, as each accomplishment has been significant in its own way. That being said, I am particularly proud of some of the academic achievements I have accomplished, such as achieving a perfect score on a difficult exam, winning a prestigious academic competition or getting accepted into a top university. But beyond academic achievements, I am also proud of the personal growth and development that I have experienced during my time at school.”

Q: Are you excited or scared for the future?

A: I feel a mix of excitement and anticipation, as well as a healthy dose of apprehension, when it comes to the future. On the one hand, I am excited about the many possibilities and opportunities that lie ahead, and I am eager to pursue my goals and aspirations with passion and dedication. At the same time, I am aware that the future is unpredictable and that there will inevitably be challenges and obstacles along the way.”

Q: Why do you like helping others so much?

A: “I have always found great joy and fulfillment in helping others. Whether it’s through mentoring younger students, volunteering in my community or simply lending a helping hand to those in need, I believe that we all have a responsibility to use our talents and resources to make a positive impact in the world.”

Q: What advice do you have for other students?

A: “

1. Set clear goals: Define your goals and aspirations and create a roadmap to achieve them. Having clear objectives will help you stay focused and motivated.
2. Work hard: Academic success requires hard work, dedication, and persistence. Be prepared to put in the time and effort needed to achieve your goals.
3. Prioritize self-care: Don’t neglect your physical, emotional, and mental health. Make time for rest, exercise, and other activities that help you recharge and stay healthy.”

Q: What’s your parting message for the school?

A: “In closing, I wish you all the best as you embark on the next phase of your journey, and I am confident that you will make a positive impact in the world and achieve great success in all that you do. Thank you.”

This article is satire.