Losing hair, sleep and sanity over the good ol’ Standard Aptitude Test? You may (or may not) be entitled to advice from Broseph (pronounced Bro-sef) Testpassers Incorporated. Anyways, like most students you must be thinking, “Man, if I don’t do good on this, my chances at college are zilch!” Or, “If I don’t get a 1500, my parents will disown me!” Or, “The voices, they’re so loud!” Never fear, Broseph (pronounced Bro-sef) is here, and we are going to give 10 tips to ace the SAT! Students of our program can guarantee this advice is 100% guaranteed to guarantee you a 2000-point increase on the SAT! So, sit back, relax (or don’t,) and allow us to take you to a whole new world!

1. Show up well rested and well fed!

In order to do your best on any exam, (but especially the SAT,) it is essential to have as few distractions as possible, and nothing is more distracting than that little ol’ grumbler called your stummy wummy (the stomach). Make sure to get your full four hours of sleep (tossing, turning, romantic scenarios and existentialist spirals into madness included) and to eat a whole, hearty breakfast consisting of all the food groups: sugar, caffeine, protein powder and vape pods.

2.  This is a dream, Simon.

Your family misses you. Please come back. I love you. I love you so much. Please.

3. Cheat!

Now you may be thinking, “They must be joking,” or “I didn’t donate my brother’s kidney for this!” Hear us out! If you cheat, then TECHNICALLY, you don’t get a score. So, you can’t do bad! (Bonus points if you can get your proctor fired too!)

4. Sell your dog to pay for our Broseph  (pronounced Bro-sef) Ultimate Super Cool Testpassers Package!

Our Broseph (pronounced Bro-sef) Ultimate Super Cool Testpassers Package has been 100% effective in increasing test scores by 2-2000 points! Don’t take our word for it, take our students’ word!

5. Show up inebriated.

As my last boyfriend said, “DRUNK ACTIONS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS BROOKE HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?” and that got me thinking, if you show up drunk, you can have a better grasp on what you REALLY think the answers should be. And you can be sure to get a 1600. I mean, whenever I get drunk, I can speak Spanish fluently.

6. Simon. I can’t keep dealing with this.

You’re not in high school anymore. And you can’t keep retaking the SATs to relive your glory years. The testers and proctors are starting to think you’re a pedo. Your name and picture were on my milk carton today. Just stop. Please.

7. Snort some protein powder for that pre-test boost!

If it works in the gym, it’ll work in the test room! Don’t worry, the shaking is normal.

8. Unlock your inner Black Swan

I learned from TikTok last night that we all have something called “our dark femininity,” and it apparently makes you really intuitive. They said that to access it, you do something called “affirmations” and then “follow my Only Fans,” so I guess do that and you’ll at least get one right.

9. Simon, this isn’t working out.

I heard you whisper “Carl C. Brigham” 40 times last night in your sleep. I never thought you would’ve played for that team… Especially since last week when you saw our neighbors, Adam and Steve, you screamed, “HE’LL BE BACK HE’LL BE BACK!”

10. Join the military.

We don’t need to explain this.

11.  WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP