Beginning on April 1 2024, a pungent green cloud of odor has emerged over Carnegie Vanguard High School’s building, exposing hundreds of students to dangerous levels of body odor (more commonly known as B.O.).

Houston emergency officials have officially declared the area within a 50-mile radius of Carnegie to be a biohazard. Students from neighboring schools have demanded that Carnegie be shut down but district officials are still “monitoring the smell conditions.” CVHS students, however, cannot detect the odor.

“Quite honestly, we can’t smell it anymore,” CVHS Junior Mus Tee said. “It definitely used to be really bad, especially in the math hallway, but now we’ve gotten so used to it that we wouldn’t know there was a problem… if it weren’t for the giant green cloud.”

The CVHS Math and Science hallways have been notorious for being the main source of the stink. It is said that because of their collective hours spent crunching derivatives and solving circuits, they do not have enough time to shower. According to an extensive and well-rounded survey conducted by Upstream News, only 8% of Carnegie’s top 90% of students have reported showering within the past month. As for the top 10%, this number goes down to 0.1%.

“Regardless of the stink, there’s still an Understanding Check on Friday and I expect my students to be there, rain or shine or even stink,” CVHS Calculus Teacher Stin Kee.

According to olfactory-metrical measurements conducted by the E.W.W (Eww-wuh-wuh), the odor intensity at CVHS is at the 98.7th percentile, comparable to the gas release of the Big Bang. Experts at NASA (the National Administration of Stink Administration) have begged the federal government to declare this a national emergency.

“Never in my 58 years of odor studies have I seen anything like this,” Dr. Whët Dawg, odor expert at E.W.W. said. “It is beyond me to know how a high school managed this and impossible to know the biological ramifications of a stench this intense.”

The WHO has encouraged the use of fighter jets to douse the school with deodorant. The U.S. government is offering rewards of $100,000 for every car freshener, can of Febreze, and poo-pouri donated. CVHS teachers are protesting this effort, arguing that these actions will disrupt their rigorous environment at Carnegie.

“Carnegie’s just not the same without the hazy green fog diffusing through the hallways,” CVHS Computer Science Teacher Ran Syd. “Our national ranking would drop by at least 25 places. God forbid DaBakery beats us.”

Debates will continue regarding the stench on whether the stink cloud is the price to pay for rigorous education at Carnegie at the upcoming District meeting.