“There’s something wrong with the new age,” they harp.
Familiar are the voices of the tired generations, who disguise nostalgia with the veil of experience and superior knowledge. To disprove the perceived ignorance that our grandparents exclaim we reside in, we must take the first steps to utilize logic in the face of digital misinformation. Preventative birth control methods are an important place to start.
Starting April 1, 2024 OB-GYNs have experienced an unseen influx of female patients, who are on average in their late teens to early adolescence. This is for obvious reasons — concerning. Addressing the most glaring problem, patients visiting numbskulls in blue aprons pose a large threat to these women’s reproductive health.
“It’s not right. These women deserve to be given a fair chance at determining the course of their future and taking the proper steps to avoid becoming early mothers. Visiting actual doctors cuts their lives off when they’ve hardly begun,” TikTok Star Lil Huddy says.
Aside from this, the boom of business by increasing female patients threatens the economic prosperity of the TikTok industry. The Hype House patient appointments known as “meet and greets” are currently experiencing one of the lowest booking rates the industry has ever seen. Hair has grown flat, dancing muscles have become weak and praised lip-syncing lips have started chapping with anxiety.
“There’s no volume! Everything’s gotten so stressful around here. You can feel the tension in the house rise as our hair deflates,” exclaimed Bryce Hall.
Hall wasn’t lying. A turbulent cloud has seemed to loom over all the hot new conglomerates of TikTok stars. Reports have claimed that Earth is now threatened by a TikTok war. Some intense dance battles have already broken out in certain Hollywood neighborhoods, drawing many famed stars into alliance. The Sway Boys and the Sway Girls have now released a statement claiming that they will treat an attack on one of them as an attack on all.
“He hit the whip on me the other day. I was shocked, to say the least. I never thought someone would out-dance me. In a failed attempt, I tried to dice roll to safety but he kept chasing me down. ‘Whip ya’ was all I could make out in the background,” said Noah Beck.
Patient advice proves to be worse. Preventive aids now call for IUDs and vaginal rings which claim to support safe sex. The harsh truth — they actually increase the chances of pregnancy. Where have the days of doing ten sets of worms, followed briefly by seven and a half jumping jacks gone? Let’s stop asking where the proof is and start asking ourselves why we aren’t doing the worm right now. As the pill quickly outpaces the simpler days of taking shots of McDonald’s Sprite while hitting the Renegade, it’s no surprise older generations have started viewing us as the product of all their shortcomings.
“Want the real reason behind all these college rejections? Stupidity! Harvard hasn’t gotten more competitive, teen girls have just stopped drinking Sprite.” said Troy the Boy, grandfather of Charli D’Amelio.
We can all still grow from this. Our momentary illogical behaviors can all be offset by a rise of proficient reporters like myself, seeking to curb pregnancy and promote wellness. For starters, one vital piece of advice I can offer is that if your OB-GYN has never been featured in a song, movie, or most importantly TikTok then there’s a large chance that they aren’t a reliable source of advice. If you’re not hitting the woah, then you’re not doing it right.
The reality of it though is that reproductive health is not something we should take for granted. Let the next generations be filled with institutions led by hands who have for years paved the way for future women and debunked scientific misconceptions that riddle the minds of our youth.
