On April 1, CVHS was ranked the least stressful high school in the U.S. for the 2024-2025 school year by the US High School Anti-Stress Organization.
“Honestly, I can’t really lie, I kind of expected this recognition,” junior Karissa Varghese said.
“Yeah, my classes are super easy,” junior Carmen Raven chimed in.
CVHS Principal Raymond Algae called an emergency assembly to discuss the ranking.
“I am very proud of my students,” Frost stated. “We have been working toward this recognition ever since the school opened in 2002, and I couldn’t be prouder of you guys.”
To understand how the school received the recognition, it’s important to be familiar with the structure of the school. Taking AP classes is heavily discouraged by the CVHS administration, and few are offered to students. For the 2024-2025 school year, CVHS banned AP courses due to the amount of stress they induce in students. CVHS also obtained special approval by the district to start school at 10 a.m. and dismiss at 2 p.m.
“Yeah, I don’t really care what CVHS does at this point. I just want to go back to Colorado … In fact, they could even have a one-hour school day, for all I care,” a high-ranking HISD official said.
Teachers are banned from giving homework, and assessments are only counted as completion grades.
“We want to avoid any unnecessary amount of stress for our students,” Sora Jones, a pre-AP biology teacher, said.
Additionally, students get a three-hour free period every day to go off-campus, read or do any other activities they desire.
“These free periods actually allow me to enjoy myself,” sophomore Naomi Siskou said. “I can actually focus on my hobbies, such as drawing and reading, and build skills that I will actually use for my career instead of taking a bunch of useless AP classes I will never need.”
Many wonder what that extra one hour of the school day is used for. The answer? Lunch!
“Lunch is my absolute most favorite class,” said freshman Jake Locke. “I learn so much about my diet and the way my digestive system works. I learned that eating tomatoes causes me to — ”
One may wonder when during the school day academic classes take place, as the four hours of school consist of an extended free period and lunch.
“Yes, this is the question parents ask me the most,” said Algae. “The real answer is that the ‘classes’ listed on schedules and on the website are just a facade for the district and outside viewers. In truth, we don’t have any classes.”
This fact typically causes concern and confusion for many new freshmen and their families, as many have been brainwashed by the media and college system to believe that grades, test scores and leadership are the most important factors to get into a high-level college or university. This, as many CVHS students and staff will tell you, is far from the truth.
“The true mark of success to colleges is not your academic prowess, but your level of stress. Think about it, the workaholic high school students are so busy doing work that they get burned out by senior year and can barely pull themselves together for college. What college would want to admit a burned-out 18-year-old? The relaxed, stress-free students, on the other hand, are not as concerned during high school and have lots of energy for college. Colleges want people who are ready to enjoy themselves and bring honor to their school,” senior Jaiden Josephson said.
Josephson has already received acceptance letters from all eight of the Ivy League universities. To be clear, it’s not just the students that benefit from these rules.
“I hate grading homework. I don’t even know why I decided to become a teacher!” one of the Algebra 2 teachers said. “At CVHS, I have never had to grade a single question for anything! I can actually have a life now instead of being a servant to the students!”
“I am so glad I chose to come to Carnegie! I have my dream job now and am making six figures each year. None of this would’ve been possible if I hadn’t been exposed to Carnegie’s relaxed and stress-free environment. If I went to a school like Lamar that was actually academically rigorous with high levels of stress, I don’t think I would have accomplished all that I have,” a CVHS alumni said.
This story is satire.
