On April 1, CVHS announced that they will be creating 50 more clubs after mass demand from students citing a “lack of an adequate number of clubs for the school.”
Students unsatisfied with the 116 already existing clubs at CVHS, spanning from building robots to learning about true crime, point out the lack of “diversity and quantity.”
“CVHS is known for its prestige. Why stop at high test scores and GPA? We need more clubs!” sophomore Jay Jamison said.
Among the 50 new additions include the Procrastinators’ Club, which has yet to schedule its first meeting; the Club Appreciation Club, where members discuss other clubs; and the Nap Club, which empties classrooms and provides blankets for exhausted students to take short naps during lunch. There’s also the newly formed “No Clubs Club,” whose members take a bold stand against the rampant club culture by, ironically, joining one.
Administrators claim they had no choice but to approve the expansion, as students bombarded them with proposals at the beginning of the year.
“My resume has been looking real empty, and in efforts to bolster it up, I have been rapidly firing, creating and joining new clubs to fill it up,” senior Joe Bob admitted. “I don’t even know what half my clubs do. I just showed up for the yearbook photo.”
Despite these efforts, some students still feel underserved.
“It’s a good start,” sophomore Ben Lee said. “But I’m waiting for the school to approve my Breathing Club. It’s a pretty common activity, and I think we would get a great turnout.”
With the expansion of school clubs, administrators have mandated that all teachers sponsor at least four clubs in the hopes of easing into these new directives. This new requirement, however, has faced much backlash.
“How can I keep up with all of these students’ activities? Where is the structure? When will I ever be able to have my classroom to myself instead of another club meeting?” biology teacher Mores Man admitted with frustration.
Faced with these concerns, CVHS administration wrote a statement addressed to all faculty staff.
“Just deal with it. We understand your concerns with the added workload, but think about the benefits students would be provided with these new club opportunities,” the statement read.
Overburdened teachers have now begun hiding in their classrooms, dressing incognito to avoid students who have attempted to ask them to be club sponsors to host a club meeting.
“I feel that students should care less about the quantity of their clubs and more about the quality. Sure, it’s good to have activities for college applications, but if you have nothing to show for those activities, they really won’t mean anything,” chemistry teacher Sarah Benson said.
Surprisingly, some students hold the same view.
“With all these clubs, lunches get very chaotic. Club plans overlap, meetings happen at the same time and schedules become too large. I think we need to be more concise with our clubs to become more efficient,” senior Joe Johnson said.
Even so, data show that those who are in agreement with many teachers are in the minority. A poll conducted by Upstream News found that 73% of students believed that there should be more clubs, 38% believed there should be fewer clubs and 22% left the question blank.
“Despite the differing opinions, I just hope that my club is approved,” Bob said.
This story is satire.
