CVHS: Texas high school takes southern hospitality to a whole new level

CVHS students don’t just attend high school; they dominate it one horse ride and fried chicken combo at a time. Sure, outsiders might assume that life at our Texas school means riding horses to class and perfecting line dancing during gym, thanks to Texas’s cowboy-filled history and pop culture stereotypes. But the reality? CVHS is a well-oiled machine of brains, brawn and maybe just a bit of grease to keep things running.

Every morning, the student parking lot fills with the sound of neighs and gallops as juniors and seniors carefully reverse their horses into perfectly painted stalls labeled “Compact Stallions Only.” The occasional underclassman on a donkey, or even a scooter, is met with sympathetic stares. At CVHS, horsepower isn’t just a silly metaphor- it’s a way of life. Whether it’s under the hood of a truck or in the form of an actual stallion, Rhinos take their horsepower seriously.

But transportation is just one part of what makes CVHS unique. The school day starts with  a ceremonial gong struck with a chicken drumstick, summoning hungry minds to class. As students make their way through the halls, they two-step in a mix of cowboy boots, sneakers and Crocs (because Texas heat could care less about your drip).

And once students get to class, things don’t get any more traditional. In AP Calculus, Mrs. Lasso divides word problems by horsepower instead of numbers. Literature class tackles classic Southern novels with a twist: extra credit is awarded for submitting haiku’s written about briskets. Meanwhile, chemistry students analyze the molecular structure of barbecue sauce to determine why they slap so hard.

Of course, academics aren’t the only thing CVHS students take seriously. School spirit shines the bright at pep rallies as the pep squad gallops in their rhinestone studded chaps onto the nonexistent football field doing synchronized line dancing while chanting, “We’ve got brains, we’ve got grit and we’ve got everything in it!” And let’s not forget the mascot, Collard the Math Genius Chicken, who breakdances in full cowboy regalia, solving math problems with every move. So revered are academics at CVHS that Pop quizzes are practically celebrated as intellectual ambushes, keeping students on their feet.

But if there’s one place where CVHS students truly become legends, it’s the cafeteria. The lunch ladies serve fried chicken so perfectly seasoned it deserves its own podcast. Fridays are reserved for the sacred “Fry-Off,” where students compete to deep-fry the most outrageous items. Past champions include a fried biology textbook (which was banned after a little ink explosion incident) and a deep-fried Apple Watch that still works. The reigning champ, Huckleberry “The Fry Whisperer” Finn, royalty, with a reserved table beside the sweet tea fountain.

At the end of the day, while the world might think CVHS students lasso their way to algebra class and ride mechanical bulls in the gym, the truth is close but incredibly cooler. Rhinos balance Southern charm with all-you-can-eat cornbread on Thursdays while tackling upcoming AP exams, laughing about stereotypes surrounding our school and galloping into the sunset munching on carrots. After all, even fried chicken deserves a day off.

This story is satire.