In what teachers are calling both a “mathematical breakthrough” and “a cry for help,” CVHS will implement College Board’s new AP Calculus YZ, the most difficult calculus class in recorded history.
This move comes after an alarming trend. Students have become so advanced in mathematics that CVHS has exhausted all possible coursework. This has posed tremendous challenges for faculty, who have had to devise new levels of calculus just to meet student demand.
“We started teaching AP Calculus AB, then AP Calculus BC,” said Mr. Derivative, an integral member of the math department. “When students started finishing those in freshman year, we taught AP Calculus CD, then DE, and even EF. By MN, we were finally realizing College Board was running out of the alphabet.”
AP Calculus YZ is shaping up to be something the likes of which students —or people across the world— have never seen. The course material will include fourth-dimensional hyper-integrals (for those who think triple integrals are “too easy”), deriving calculus itself (students will prove and create fundamental theorems before they’re allowed to use them) and taming imaginary numbers in order to see if they can be made real.
In a move that comes as no surprise for many, the College Board has refused to provide a calculator for the exam, stating, “If you need a calculator, you clearly don’t belong in this class.”
Most students would find this sort of curriculum intimidating, but of course CVHS students have met it with open arms. Students have only one concern: how can administrators make the course harder?
“I mean, it’s about time,” said junior John Dork, who took AP Calculus BC at 13 and now does Taylor series expansions for fun. “Honestly, the old curriculum is getting a little outdated. I was hoping for something that would take me at least an entire weekend to learn.”
Other students are equally enthusiastic.
“If I’m not discovering new mathematical theorems by senior year, I’ll have failed myself,” said sophomore Ryan Kim.
Kim recently programmed his own AI that makes new, harder calculus tests for him to take in his free time.
CVHS faculty members are reportedly scrambling to keep up with the rapid evolution of their students.
“We’re still attempting to locate someone qualified to instruct AP Calculus YZ,” Mr. Derivative admitted. “The three previous professors we hired saw the syllabus and withdrew on the spot. One of them just whispered, ‘God help us all’ and left.”
Meanwhile, College Board is in crisis mode. After having exhausted the alphabet, rumors have spread that CVHS students are advocating use of Greek letters for future classes, with AP Calculus ΩΨ (Omega-Psi) scheduled to debut by 2027.
“There’s only so much math that can exist, right?” said one harried College Board official, rubbing his temples. “Right?”
As CVHS students continue to push the boundaries of human knowledge, experts warn that eventually there will be no more math to learn.
But students at Carnegie remain unfazed.
“Honestly, if I’m not doing interdimensional calculus every day, what’s the point of school?” said Dork.
This story is satire.
