After its extravagant grand opening at the beginning of this month, CVHS’ brand new luxury garden is already drawing in hundreds of visitors in the most unprecedented surge to popularity. Once a just humble patch of grass on the second-floor green roof, it has now flourished into what the media has coined the “New Garden of Eden”. With miles-long waiting lines slinking around blocks in Houston’s downtown, it’s clear that the world is itching to spend even just a fleeting moment within the garden gates.
“I had booked my ticket as soon as the sale opened, I believe months ago, only to lose my bidding to the pop icon Taylor Swift!” exclaimed King Charles III. “Now I have been called to remain on the waiting list for an ‘indeterminate amount of time’.” Indeed, if you read the website’s fine print, waiting periods last as long as 18 months.
So what are the garden’s attractions that have garnered it such international acclaim? As you first walk into the courtyard, you will be greeted by a butler who is more than happy to take your coat and offer you a selection of 15 variations of tea biscuits. Marble fountains balance atop each hill, surrounded by swaying purple roses and golden hyacinths. Jasmine flowers bloom from every corner, releasing a powerful floral smell that attracts floating butterflies and crowds of people who try to climb over the walls to get inside. As you ascend the stairs to the green roof, you’ll observe trellises drowning in vines, and babbling brooks beneath your feet that are home to goldfish and koi of every breed imaginable. You can play croquet with the Queen of Hearts or have a thoughtful discussion with Neil deGrasse Tyson over a cup of tea. A proud supporter of and large donor to the CVHS Garden, Tyson believes that the “answers to the secrets of the universe are hidden within the nooks and crannies of the CVHS Garden.” You heard it here first, folks!
With popularity growing exponentially, the CVHS Garden Administration has implemented a novel application system for prospective visitors as of last week. The process includes submission of GPA, a statement of purpose, 6 supplemental essays of 500+ words each, three in-person interviews, and four letters of recommendation, including one from a local governor – a process that must be repeated for each independent visit. Indeed, with an acceptance rate of less than 0.0067%, top universities are beginning to recognize students’ acceptance to the CVHS Garden as a momentous achievement. Many of these schools, including Stanford, Oxford, and Princeton, now require students applying for admission for the following fall to have visited the CVHS Garden at least twice.
CVHS students in particular, however, are fortunate to relish in the garden’s luxuries for free. To better match the atmosphere, CVHS Principal Ramon Moss has added a mandatory dress code policy, where all students are required to wear three piece suits and monocles. Additionally, students have been observed to be slowly picking up a posh British accent, likely from their frequent encounters with the English butlers who have been leased straight from Buckingham Palace.
Moreover, with its colossal potential for ecological and biological discoveries, the CVHS Garden has proudly partnered with the World Wide Fund for Nature to conduct a series of experiments on the garden. These world-class researchers hope to discover new solutions to loss of biodiversity due to climate change and deforestation within the garden. Both Hank and John Greene have recently joined the Board of the CVHS Garden Administration with a plan to host monthly speaker series hosting world-class scientists in the garden. They plan to continue studying the garden in depth, seeking out new species (of which there are already 14 discovered) that will be recorded in lengthy encyclopedias that are set to decorate the shelves of the new CVHS Garden Library in the coming months. Representatives from Vatican City have even reached out recently, asking to rent out the space to celebrate Pope Leo XIV’s birthday later this year.
CVHS’ new garden has without a doubt set a new international standard for outdoors entertainment, relaxation, and discovery. We at Upstream News will continue to keep you updated.
This story is satire.
