In what historians may one day describe as the most grueling volunteer effort of the 21st century, members of the CVHS chapter of the National Honor Society embarked Wednesday morning on a beach cleanup operation that would test the very limits of human endurance, manicured nails, and brand-new Lululemon tank tops.
The Ocean Blue Project, an organization that works to preserve the world’s ocean and prevent increased pollution, promotes beach cleanups reduce plastic pollution and potential harm to animals. “Every year, millions of plastic bottles and debris enter our waterways, harming marine life and ecosystems,” their official website says.
NHS has four pillars: Scholarship, Leadership, Service, and Character. The NHS beach cleanup gives members the opportunity to serve their community and reduce plastic waste on the ocean shore.
The mission: collect trash along a half-mile stretch of Galveston Beach. The casualties: two broken nails, two damp HOKA shoe pairs, and the lost innocence of approximately 60 NHS members who had, until that morning, believed the outdoors to be a pleasant concept.
“I didn’t know sand could get everywhere,” said junior Sandy Beach, with a blank stare and half-filled trash bag dangling from her gloved hand. “My AP Environmental Science textbook did not prepare me for this.”
Volunteers arrived at 10:30 a.m. armed with trash bags and thin latex gloves, ready for work. By 10:45 a.m., the optimism had been replaced by suffering.
“It smelled like fish,” reported senior Colette Rubbish. “Real fish. Outside. Near the ocean. I thought I was ready.”
NHS faculty advisor Ms. Al Gae described the students’ spirits as “very high until they saw the first cigarette butt.”
“There were so many cigarette butts,” Rubbish confirmed.
Cigarette butts, usually serving as trinkets for the Galveston geese, were whisked away to add two grams to their trash.
“These kids can barely manage the trash from their pizza lunch and now they want to butt their noses in our turf? No way, Jose,” Waddle, a veteran Galveston goose, said.
A fight between NHS and the sand geese ensued. Ms. Al Gae led the way, defending her students’ honor and protecting the Papa John’s boxes and sugar cookies.
“It’s my duty as their advisor; it’s only right I use my bird calling skills to do so,” Ms. Gae said, a fearless expression on her face.
Conditions on the ground were described by multiple witnesses as “kind of windy,” and “honestly not that bad, but still.” At approximately 11:30 a.m., a dire incident occured when senior Summer Hott made contact with an unidentified soggy object.
The scream, according to other students, was heard from the parking lot.
“I’m not going to say what it was,” Hott said, his voice barely above a whisper. “But I will say that I wore those gloves for a reason, and the gloves failed me.”
Forensic analysis later confirmed the object was a Ziploc bag. It had once contained a sandwich.
Despite the mental toll, the students pressed on. Armed with nothing but trash bags, an app to log what kind of trash was collected, and Spotify playlists, the CVHS NHS chapter collected an estimated two pounds of debris, including plastic bottles, tangled fishing line, and a baby’s pacifier.
“I feel like I’ve grown as a person,” said junior Brook Current, who spent the last twenty minutes of the cleanup taking photos for her college application portfolio. “Like, I came here today as a girl. I’m leaving as a girl who has touched a stranger’s straw.”
NHS President Phil DeBag, who organized the event called the cleanup “an amazing feat and a testament to what youth can do when they’re required to collect community service hours.”
By 12:00 a.m., the cleanup was complete. The beach gleamed but the students, less so.
Several members were seen applying hand sanitizer directly to their souls immediately after getting on the bus. One student reportedly cried in the car on the way home though sources close to the situation suggest the tears were more from the beaver nuggets eaten immediately afterward at Buc-ee’s than from any emotional processing.
Ms. Gae called the experience “character-building.” The students called it “a lot.” Both parties are justified.
The CVHS NHS chapter plans to host another beach cleanup next year. Applications are open. Spaces are, as of publishing time, still very available.
This story is satire.
