Kanye’s Guide to Wooing Your Girl


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Kayne has some tried and true tips for wooing back that special someone.

Since Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kanye West, Kanye has been trying to get Kim back. And for the most part, it’s working! Here are a few things he has done to win back his girl. Pay attention, lonely ladies and gentlemen of CVHS! Try not to get a restraining order. 

Tips from Kanye on how to woo that special someone:

  1. Stalk them, and make sure they know. Hide behind bushes, buy a house that is right in front of theirs, and don’t forget to publicly announce that they are still your partner even though you guys filed for divorce. 
  2. Date someone who looks almost exactly like them. 
  3. Accuse them of not letting you see your own kids. They’re going to feel bad and let you see the kids, even though you were spying on them that morning.
  4. Get them a truck full of roses for Valentine’s Day. Everyone dreams of it, even if you guys are in the middle of a break-up and dating another person.
  5. Don’t let them have personal space and boundaries. They don’t need it. After all, why would they want to be away from you for so long?
  6. Expose the texts between you, their new partner, and yourself. Make sure you make it seem like they’re the bad person. 
  7. Post their new partner’s medical conditions on social media.
  8. Threaten their new partner by including this line in a music video in which he gets kidnapped, “God saved me from that crash, just so I can beat Pete Davidson’s ass (who?)”.
  9. Don’t forget the statements on live TV about being able to get them back, that is very important.
  10. Don’t forget to threaten them! (SUPER IMPORTANT)
  11. Try to block them from getting their maiden name back and filing a divorce to be legally single. You own them- remember that.
  12. Trust in God, he will bring them back to you.
  13. Make sure to make yourself look like the victim online. You’re not the big bad wolf, they are, and they have to know that.
  14. Cheat on them. They can’t do anything about it, and if they try to leave, blame it on the substance abuse.
  15. Invite yourself to your kids’ birthday party at their house, even if you weren’t invited. As the father of your children, you should be able to walk in and out of their house as you please.