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The Student-Run News Site of Carnegie Vanguard High School

Upstream News

The Student-Run News Site of Carnegie Vanguard High School

Upstream News

Top ten ways to not end up on Carnegie Schlumped

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Kaylee Yang
This could be you! (Made in Canva)

Are you tired of being tired? Tired of your teacher waking you up? Well, do I have some solutions for you! Here are the top ten ways to conceal your slumber during those long and boring school hours.

The sunglasses method. Kaylee Yang
  1. Sunglasses

Of course, the easiest and most effortless way to hide your resting eyes from teachers is the sunglasses method. It’s simple — just pop on a pair of your favorite shades and you’ll become incognito in an instant. As an added benefit, everyone will realize how quirky and cool you are for wearing sunglasses indoors!

  1. Giant hat

When it comes to secretly sleeping in class, a giant hat is your ally. Not only will your face be covered, but your teacher will also be too focused on your horrific crime against fashion to even notice that you’re dozing off.

The cardboard cutout method. Kaylee Yang
  1. Cardboard cutout

Happen to have a giant cardboard cutout of yourself lying around? Use it as the perfect stand-in while you go someplace else to nap! With its lifeless stare mirroring your own, your teacher won’t even notice that you’re gone!

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  1. Turn off the lights

Scared that your classmates will snitch on you? No worries — just switch off the classroom light and not even they’ll be able to see you! And as a bonus, the darkness will help you to sleep way more comfortably!

  1. Blindfold

If the sunglasses trick seems a bit too noticeable to you, opt for a blindfold instead! This super discreet method will ensure no prying eyes disturb your dreams. After all, if you can’t see them, they can’t see you!

  1. Create a quantum paradox

Another super simple solution is to dedicate yourself to an intensive course of study in quantum physics! After mastering the complex theories and principles of the field, harness the power of your newfound knowledge to superpose a paradox where you exist in both awake and asleep states simultaneously. This way, you’ll be able to stealthily sleep in class and everyone will be so impressed by your new skill!

The new haircut method. Kaylee Yang
  1. New haircut

Ditch your current hairstyle — the extreme side part is in!! Become a trendsetter with this super cool hairstyle that’ll serve as an effective eye shield when you’re feeling drowsy!

  1. Pull the fire alarm

Another easy and risk-free way to ensure your sound sleep during class is to trigger the school fire alarm! After everyone leaves the classroom, you can sleep soundly without any interruptions! The blaring fire alarm can even act as a lullaby of sorts.

  1. Hologram

Invest in a high-tech projector to project a realistic hologram of yourself in class! While your hologram diligently pays attention to the lecture, you can sneak out of class and sleep elsewhere undetected! Just make sure to set your hologram to occasionally scratch its head to maintain the illusion of authenticity!

Just stay home! Kaylee Yang
  1. Stay home

Lastly, if none of the other methods work for you, then the simple solution is to just stay home! After all, you can’t be caught sleeping in class if you’re not even there!

With these foolproof methods at your disposal, you’re guaranteed to be able to have nap time in class without raising suspicion. But don’t blame me if you’re left behind at school for hiding to well!

This article is satire.

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About the Contributor
Kaylee Yang
Kaylee Yang, Staff Writer
A current sophomore at CVHS, Kaylee is an introverted artist who has been making doodles since she can remember. When her sketchbook is closed, you can find her listening to music with her cat, Fae, or making a homemade dessert for her family. When it comes to movies and shows, she enjoys the fantasy genre, some of her favorites including the “Guardians of the Galaxy” series, "Death Note", and "Spirited Away".
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