Vampires denounce the new Daylight Savings bill


On Sunday, March 13th, 2022, the world clock jumped forward an hour, prompting “spring forward” worldwide. At this time, each and every person lost an hour of sleep in order to account for the sun’s longer hours. 

The idea of daylight savings time was introduced by Benjamin Franklin (a known vampire enemy) in 1784 in an effort to save energy and influence the French to rise with sun rather than stirring awake at noon to promote economic success. However, it wasn’t until 1918 that the daylight savings bill was passed in the United States to preserve daylight and establish standard time zones. The US congress did this with the best interests of the citizens in mind, from the kids who could play outside longer to workers who would have an official schedule. However, they failed to consider one important group of American citizens- the vampires. 

“How can I get my winter pale tan now if the sun wants to burn me alive,” cries Bella Swan.

Many Vampires are outraged by the new Daylight Savings Bill. Although vampires are usually affected when ‘spring-forward’ rolls around each year, they simply take a vacation to an un-sunny location. However, this move is disruptive enough as their spring/summer houses in the dark will now be filled with light, essentially damning vampires to the sun’s wrath. Vampires claim that this sudden change is raising their summer house prices, and the cost of living will be extremely high. Many have taken to staying at the esteemed Hotel Transylvania, but the hotel does not have the capacity to sustain the entire vampire population. 

“It pains, like garlic, to turn away those baby vampires when they flash that teething fangs smile, but we simply don’t have the facilities,” says Disney’s Count Dracula, the owner of Hotel Transylvania. 

The states of Arizona and Hawaii are the last hope that Edward Cullen and his friends have at a normal life, because they would be exempt from the Daylight Savings Bill, and would be allowed to remain in standard time. This too, however, poses an issue, as both Arizona and Hawaii are notorious for being sunny and filled with tourists, two things that vampires try to actively avoid. This limits locations where vampires can be healthy and safe, promoting cultural enclaves which might hinder the culture of the United States, as Vampires are angry at the discrimination and ignorance the US Congress is showing to their community at the moment. 

“Moving to Hawaii would disrupt my baseball team, they mean everything to me,” says the Cullen Family. 

Beyond relocating to a brand new town (probably surrounded with pitchforks), The constant solar exposure is harming the vampires’ health. Many end up burned from the intense rays, left with boiling skin and blisters. These once attractive figures become terrifying to look at, however, they never uncover their true identity due to their lack of reflection. Some vampires have ended up hospitalized and are even suing energy and mirror companies for their lack of transparency. 

“I would rather take a stake to the heart than be red in the face with burns,” exclaims Mavis Dracula.

The lack of representation of Vampires in the US congress is outstanding and terrifying (even more than those nasty myths about drinking people’s blood). Although the National Association of Convenience stores has opposed this Bill, and has pushed back with congress, most in power have been influenced by the Committee of House and Energy and other congressional committees that push the idea that the Daylight Savings Bill is disruptive enough, and because the Vampire population is such a small percentage of the US population they should, as one would say, “take one for the team”. This is not the end of Vampires’ fight for more moonlight hours, though. They will do everything in their power to get their voice heard, and are hoping to sway either the House of Representatives or President Biden himself before the Bill is officially passed, and Vampires are once again thrown into the (not too dark) shadows. 

“We will do everything in our power to maintain the lifestyles we lead in the United States, and will push back on our sun loving counterparts in order to live in the dark and at peace.” Says the President of the National Association of Vampires.