Andrew Lee

CVHS students hosting a baby shower for their food babies.

The Texas Supreme Court issued a ruling on March 20 declaring that embryos created through noticeable over-mastication (NOM) should be considered children. As the designation applies to those only 13 years of age and older, teenagers and adults alike are grappling with the (literally) short-term implications.

The ruling means that Texas’ wrongful death statute applies to all food fetuses, regardless of method or intent of conception. According to the state, wrongful deaths occur when an entity’s “act, neglect, carelessness, unskillfulness, or default” causes loss of life or fetus. The Texas Supreme Court also ruled for the removal of all toilets in all bathrooms to prevent teenagers from “making choices they would regret.”

For the majority of Texans, this ruling will affect many aspects of daily life, as many are forced to reconsider their obligations to these children as well as the ethical basis of these new obligations.

“What is this country becoming!!!! My options are to either squeeze out a Snickers and go to jail, or stay forever constipated,” said Senior Neela Ravi, self-proclaimed NOM expert.

“I can’t NOM anymore? How else am I going to keep myself entertained during class?” said Sophomore Kevin Pham.

This ruling will also take a toll on student finances, given that none of us were expecting the sudden influence of old white men on dictating when we could pump a grumpy.

“I’m already struggling with paying college tuition next year, and now I have to pay child support for both mine and my girlfriend’s food babies,” said a worried senior waiting for FAFSA to process. “At this point, I might have to liquidate both of our assets.”

Other students had to make difficult decisions regarding their futures.

“My entire friend group is pregnant, and I can’t afford to get presents for all of their baby showers. Do I dump them, or should I take a dump?” said one student.

Alas, the ruling unveils a darker side of Carnegie. Students have been caught dealing diet and laxative pills to those with worries or regrets. Some of these medications are homemade (we lowkey recommend WikiHow) or worse. Sites like Temu and Wish are becoming popular alternatives to time-consuming pharmacies.

“Laxatives are sliding themselves into a spot at number two on Amazon’s bestseller list,” said Jeff Bezos.