DUPE! Alternatives to all the essentials


As of January, a new trend has reigned popular on social media — duping. Short for “Duplicate,” duping is essentially the act of investing in knockoff items. 

Duping is used commonly for the lower class due to their unfortunate financial status. This can also be used when the upper class consumes every item they see. After extensive research, we’ve concluded that duping is not difficult and found easier and cheaper replicas for several products. 

With the pay wages for the unfortunate (women), it’s difficult to afford high-end beauty supplies. One of these products includes the complete Dyson Airwrap set. Priced at a whopping $600, it has all the essentials to give you the ultimate ’90s-style blowout. It also has all the essentials to give your wallet a blowout, too. Why bother? As seen in “The Little Mermaid,” Ariel gives a perfect dupe — a fork. Using a fork is an effective method to combat the bird’s nest on your head. With this utensil, we can detangle our hair and eat at the same time!

“Dinglehopper” in use as Ariel combs her voluminous, luscious hair. (Twitter)

But what about skincare? 

Products to protect our face have not been friendly with the prices. Sunscreen ranges from $5-200, which is not ideal for all. One of the more popular (and pricey) sunscreens is Dr. Barbra Sturm Sundrops. Sitting at $145, your balance statement would burn more than the glorious sun. However, there is an alternative. We found that using bandages to wrap our faces to protect us from harmful UV rays is more effective and affordable. Instead of reapplying sunscreen every three hours, you can just wrap and go, perfect for those long road trips. 

What about higher education? College and university require extensive amounts of money to attend and consistent commitment. Why waste your time? 

Easy fix! Our solution includes not attending. But how would we get a job? Print out your diploma and gaslight! People spend years studying at schools while racking up student debt. Why get a diploma at Duke University when you can get a duploma at Dupe University? Nobody will notice! 

Do you ever have people you don’t like interacting with, especially during those troubling group projects? Do you have trouble with trying to get someone to simply hush?

Keeping a spray bottle at handy is useful, as seen. (Wikihow)

Spray bottle. After watching dog training shows, we noticed that spraying the animal after a bathroom accident has made them less likely to urinate in improper places. The spray bottle is also effective in teaching the animal tricks, which perhaps would interest your fellow peers. The more you spray the person to get away, the quicker they learn to avoid you. Dupe communication with actions. 

Speaking of action, we know you’re not getting any. So as an alternative, we suggest ditching the idea of getting yourself a boyfriend or girlfriend, and invest in a waifu or husbando body pillow. No, seriously. Cotton and stuffing will be the key to fulfilling your companionless self. Why invest in dates or the chase; instead, simply hone yourself an imaginary partner. Anyplace and anywhere, they can be right next to you.

A fellow staff writer seen sleeping on a body pillow. (Anjali Martinez)

Learning how we can save money by buying alternatives can help your mentality and bank. These ways founded by the unfortunate are very helpful and clever, we hope to clear out every dupe in the store so that the lower class can use more of their clever minds to fit in.


This story is satire.