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Carnegie’s Pride and Glory – Bartholomew Archibald Worthington III

Bartholomew Archibald Worthington III.

The name of Carnegie Vanguard’s top athlete rang throughout the school. A seasoned athlete, Bartholomew allowed Carnegie to consistently be a nationally-recognized school in the nerdathleteic rankings. Bartholomew had it going for him, whether it was GPA or GDP, and he followed a rigorous daily schedule. With his spectacular spectacles and his black T-shirt that says “Haters gonna Hate”, Worthington III walks around the halls with the grace of a matador. 

Period 1: APUSH

While Mr. Wenowens taught the class about the American revolution, Bartholomew was one step further…he started his own revolution. It may have been 1776 in APUSH, but it was 2050 for Bartholomew, who spent the class period writing the future events of American history in the APUSH textbook. However, Bartholomew was startled when Mr. Wenovens called on him and asked: “Do you know what Reagan did in the 1980s?” Bartholomew answered: “Of course I did, I was his chief of staff after all.” One step ahead…that was Bartholomew’s method for mastering APUSH….and life. 

Period 2: AP Chemistry

While other students were focused on a different kind of ‘chemistry’, Bartholomew held actual atoms in his hand. He finished his chemistry exam faster than the speed of light, and asked Mr. Garrondo, “What else should I teach the class?”. When he saw the periodic table, Bartholomew remarked: “That’s too small!” So, he decided to create his own elements and he walked out of class with a Nobel Prize in his hand. “Take that, Mendeleev!” Bartholomew exclaimed while pointing to himself. The other students thought to themselves: “It’s great that Bartholomew won the Nobel Prize, but when was he going to get a life.” 

Period 3: AP Statistics

Bartholomew spent this period examining his statistics. He was the first one to sequence the human genome. He had a 10.0 GPA. He finished the AMC mathematics exam in exactly 2.3 seconds. However, things didn’t look all that promising when he looked at his mile time. 

Period 4: AP Research

Bartholomew already conducted college-level research. Similar to Elon Musk he realized he didn’t have to spend 6 billion to solve world hunger, all he had to do was write a 5,000 word paper on it. When he opened his AP Research portal on the first day of school, Bartholomew realized…he had already submitted it. Why? He was “just like that”. When other students asked him for help with their research, he looked at his Nike sneakers and told them with a blank face: “Just do it.”

Lunch:

This was the time where students would relax, bite into their scrumptious lunch, and gossip with their friends. However, this was not the life for Bartholomew, who saw no reason in having a social life and maintaining his mental health, “It has been 5 years, 39 weeks, 72 days since I’ve eaten and I’ve never felt smarter.” He attended the Quiz Bowl meeting, then Science Olympiad, and then Robotics. How could Bartholomew have time to eat when he was tasked with bringing glory to Carnegie?

Period 5: Newspaper

Bartholomew finished the story you are currently reading in record speed. 

Period 6: Physics

Forget constant acceleration…Bartholomew was more interested in the Theory of Relativity. “Who cares about Newton when I can be better than him,” Bartholomew thought to himself. 

Period 7: English

English students were tasked with reading the book: “The Life of the King: Bartholomew Archibald Worthington III and his Never-Ending Success.” The author of the book? Bartholomew himself.

Extracurriculars provided by Bartholomew:

• Created the New York Stock Exchange
• Found a Cure for Cancer
• Contributed to the Apollo 11th moon landing 
• Single-handedly wrote the Declaration Of Independence
• Ordained the marriage between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
• Lead Director for “The Empire Strikes Back”
• Claims to have written The Bible

The rest of the day wasn’t too eventful. He saved the world from the threat of a global pandemic, reduced the price of prescription drugs, and painted a work of art rivaling DaVinci and Rembrandt.

As he slept at night, he thought to himself  “What a boring and uneventful day?”