On the first week upon returning from spring break, CVHS students have said that their teachers have assigned enough work to fill up a 30 feet deep landfill. As if the countless piles of assignments weren’t enough, teachers have also scheduled their major exams to fall on the same days; it’s as if they dumped a gallon of freshly squeezed lemon juice on the massive open gash on students’ overworked backs.

For some, the best option to catch up on all the missing assignments or to stay on top of work is to pull all-nighters. However, a study conducted by the School of Procrastination has proven that all-nighters are the leading cause of brain cancer and mental instability.

To help you, fellow readers, we’ve compiled a list of methods that have kept us alive and mentally stable during these trying times.

#5 – Pay someone else to do it

If you ever feel like your teachers have assigned you too much work to handle, you can always pay someone else to do it for you. It’s really that simple. There is always someone willing to do your homework if you slip them two $20 bills under the table. It’s not academic dishonesty if no one ever knows about it.

This way, your homework becomes someone else’s problem. If you’re unable to afford to pay someone else to do your homework, then it sucks to suck. Without money, we are nothing. You’ll just have to stay awake to finish seven different assignments due the next day.

#4 – If you don’t think about your homework, it doesn’t exist

Yes, indeed, it is a well-known fact that homework is like Schrödinger’s cat — it only exists if you think about it. So, if you simply choose to ignore it, it will magically disappear into the ether and you’ll be free to spend your time doing more important things, like mindlessly scrolling through social media or binge-watching YouTube.

Of course, there may be some naysayers out there who insist on the importance of being responsible and putting in the effort to achieve one’s goals. But who needs those people anyway? They’re probably just bitter because they haven’t yet discovered the magic of the “if you don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist” philosophy.

#3 – Wait until the last day to do it, because if it’s not a problem now, don’t worry about it

After all, waiting until the last minute to do something means that you have plenty of time to do all the other things that are truly important — hanging out with your friends or taking an extra-long nap. Perhaps you can take a midnight adventure to the abandoned house in your neighborhood. You probably would learn more through your adventure than doing precalculus or physics homework. Why waste your precious time on something as mundane as homework or deadlines?

And let’s be honest, worrying about things is just a waste of energy. Who needs the stress of planning ahead and being responsible when you can just cram everything into the last minute and hope for the best?

Sure, there may be some consequences to your actions. You may end up with subpar work or miss a deadline altogether. But hey, that’s a problem for future you to deal with, right? And who cares about your future anyway? You’re living in the now!

So go ahead, fellow procrastinators, embrace the “wait until the last-minute” philosophy. After all, there’s always time to worry about it later. Or, if you’re really lucky, maybe it’ll all just magically work out on its own. It’s a risky game, but hey, who doesn’t love living life on the edge?

#2 – Spend more time trying to know how much not doing the work would affect your grade

Sure, doing your homework may be the best option you can possibly think of, but when you think about it, really, you can get around doing homework by spending time trying to calculate how much your grade would be affected by you not doing that assignment.

This can take up to five hours if you’re using an Excel sheet that was made by yourself, but you can use an existing tool online, like an easy grader. This way, you will know for sure what your grades would be. And isn’t that the most important thing?

#1 – Don’t do it, your mental health is more important 

Sure, the real world might require you to be responsible and accountable, but who cares about that when you can just use mental health as a convenient excuse to avoid any and all forms of work or effort? Yes, of course, your grade can drop down to a D and your ranking can drop down to number 202, but you will be mentally stable. Nothing matters more.

And let’s be honest, who needs achievements and accomplishments when you can just tell everyone that you’re prioritizing your mental health? It’s the ultimate “get out of jail free card,” and you can use it whenever you want — whether it’s to avoid work, social obligations or just life in general.

In fact, why stop at just using mental health as an excuse to avoid responsibilities? Why not use it to justify any and all forms of self-destructive behavior, like staying up all night or eating junk food? After all, who needs to take care of themselves when they’re prioritizing their mental health?

This story is satire.