On Monday, the United States Administration on Organ Donations (AOD) released their annual report on national organ donation statistics. Their data reports a 3,986% increase in organ donations collectively, with a 376% increase in limb donations and 7,891% increase in kidney donations. 

According to a joint study by the World Health Organization (WHO) and the Federal Reserve, this spike in donations within all organ categories has been linked to the inflation prevalent throughout the country. While food prices have increased 10.2% in the past year, core inflation, which does not factor in food and energy inflation, also grew from January’s 11,000% to February’s 13,742%. HISD is also turning from computers to potatoes due to inflation. Consumers are suffering and have turned to alternative strategies for making ends meet. 

Although kidney and limb donations have risen the most, other organs have shown significant increases. Donors are heavily focusing on paired organs, such as the eyes, kidneys, lungs, arms and legs.

“My cousin donated one lung, but he was a smoker, so he didn’t get much for it. It encouraged me to donate an eye. Hopefully, I’ll receive enough to pay for a full tank of gas. That would be wonderful. Plus, it may lead to my debut as a pirate impersonator,” marketing manager Jacqueline Sparrow said.

According to the Fed and WHO’s report, the increase in organ donation was also accompanied by an uptick in other alternative methods to combat inflation.

NPR has recently covered the rise of black-market chloroplast injections. People are purchasing these injections, hoping to develop their own photosynthesis process. The tell-tale sign of usage is the green tint on the individual’s skin.

“I stumbled upon it on the black market after I was researching where to sell the arm and leg I had amputated so I could get some dental work. I love being in the sun now, and I may not even need my teeth anymore. Maybe I can sell those too?” Cirque du Soleil acrobat Linda Salvatore said. 

Although the AOD report focuses solely on legal organ donations, people are so desperate that there have also been increases in illegal donations. Authorities encourage civilians to notify law enforcement if such actions occur. In the meantime, people will continue turning to these avenues while inflation continues to burden their wallets. 

Since the publication of this article, Linda Salvatore passed away today from heat-induced cardiac arrest. The coroner who conducted her autopsy reports she was not making her own sugars, and her glowing was caused by severe perspiration due to dehydration. Her funeral will be held on Friday. 

IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS USING BLACK-MARKET CHLOROPLAST INJECTIONS, PLEASE CALL THE 24/7 HOTLINE AT 1-800-XXX-XXX.

This story is satire in celebration of April Fools’ Day.