On March 18, the first day back from Spring Break, a total of 37 Carnegie Vanguard High School students were reported absent. Unbeknownst to their advocacy teachers, this was because all 37 students were currently fighting for their lives in the Bermuda Triangle.
Following a freak accident involving rapidly changing barometric pressure and increased volcanic activity as a result of global warming, a plane coincidentally carrying solely 37 Carnegie students abandoned the sky and welcomed the wet embrace of the Bermuda Triangle. All 37 students have been reported lost at sea by the United States Post Guard.
“I don’t think you understand how bad this is,” said Post Guard spokesperson Becky Freedberg in a press conference on the 17th. “The kids are gone. That is not good. That is never good.”
Freedberg, whose child was unfortunately one of the many to disappear, called upon Collegeboard to move AP exams further back due to the children’s statuses as missing.
“If they miss AP tests, it will be devastating to their high school academic record. AP exams should be moved farther back, in case we find them before then. Right now, it’s not looking great. I haven’t heard from my son in days.”
Besides issues related to the time they’re losing out at sea, the missing students also reported additional strain put on their academic performances.
“I’m under the water right now, it’s quite dark,” said missing junior Mike Bobaguard over a Zoom call Tuesday. “I won’t be able to complete my calculus homework. Can you email Ms. Chen for me?”
Sadly, I cannot email Ms. Chen for Mike Bobaguard.
“I heard Mr. Tran assigned a test for Wednesday. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll make it,” senior Evan Freedberg said in the same Zoom meeting. Due to his being underwater, he was unable to turn his camera on. “To elaborate, I don’t think I’ll make it to the test. I will definitely survive. Please don’t give up my scholarship, A&M.”
Some students even started creating TikTok Lives to spread awareness and raise money for the missing students.
“Ever since my unfortunately named friend Brenda Barnacles went missing, my life has been miserable. I sometimes hallucinate TikTok notifications from her. I just miss her so much,” said one of the fundraisers, Maserati MacDonaldson. “That’s why I started going live on TikTok to count the hours she’d been missing for.”
Sadly, Donaldson has received a large amount of negative feedback due to the rather problematic layout of his TikTok live. Critics say it is unoriginal and inappropriate.
“People are misunderstanding. The time on the stream is the time she’s been gone for, it’s nothing malicious. Why can’t a guy show love and support for his friend in this economy? Is it because she’s a girl and I’m a man so we’re bound to pollute our friendship with less than platonic feelings? I won’t stand for this. I just miss my friend Brenda.”
The students still face extreme danger while stranded in the Bermuda Triangle. Carnegie basketball all-star Richard Fitzenhugh reported disturbing, monstrous activity. While interviewing with the Upstream, a strange tropical tune overwhelmed his microphone. Fitzenhugh blamed it on a nearby sunken ship, further proving the danger the students are in.
“This is Richard ‘the Chard’ Fitzenhugh… reporting from an undiscoverable location in the Bermuda Triangle… this enormous kraken came and ripped the plane out of the sky. It’s still in this water somewhere,” he said his MLM podcast ‘Alpha Wolves Don’t Get Scammed’ on Friday. “The Chard.. Is afraid.”
