In a groundbreaking achievement that has both impressed and terrified the Carnegie Vanguard community, the CVHS Robotics Club has shown what they’re calling their “greatest innovation yet”: a robot designed specifically to eat homework.

The robot, nicknamed “Princess-1167”, was mainly trying to solve what  students described as a “stupid academic workload crisis” However, what began as a harmless attempt to eliminate late assignments has changed into something far more uncontrollable.

“We came together to build that eating homework robot to eat all of our AP Lang, AP Calc AB, and other paperwork assignments,” junior Marc Andre said. “We were sick and tired of all the homework we’ve been getting. At first, it was just supposed to help us survive but now it kind of has its own opinions.”

According to students, the robot’s “opinions” include  seeking out  spiral notebooks & paper assignments from the hardest AP courses and  in one crazy yet understandable case, an entire backpack belonging to a junior taking 7 AP courses.

Junior Lemuel Idika, another member of the robotics team, described the project as “a beautiful mistake.”

“We didn’t just create a robot, we created a movement,” Idika said. “At first, it only ate homework when we fed it assignments. But now? It just  senses academic stress. If someone even thinks about a worksheet, it starts rolling toward them.”

The robot’s design is simple: a metal frame, a conveyor-belt for a mouth, and “an unsettling level of determination.” Powered by “an advanced AI,” Princess 1167 has reportedly begun operating outside of its original programming.

Teachers, unsurprisingly, are less enthusiastic.

“I assigned a perfectly reasonable 10000 page essay,” one English teacher said  shakingly. “Next thing I know, the robot rolls into my classroom, locks eyes with me like it’s looking down on me, and consumes them.”

The administration has since attempted to control the situation, but their efforts are really inconsistent. “We tried turning it off,” a staff member admitted. 

Pretty dumb of them, coming from me, the author.

 “It turned itself back on and then printed out more homework before eating that too.”

Students, on the other hand, love the robot but that quickly changed.

“I mean it did do my work for me so thank goodness,” junior Quandale Dingle said. “Lowkey, this robot saved my 0.2 gpa.”

Others have taken advantage of the chaos.

“I just walk around with my backpack filled with snacks since I don’t need to do any more work,” one senior admitted. “If a teacher asks for my assignment, I say,”Yeah I finished it , wink wink. And they actually believe me, what a world”

Another robotics member offered their perspective on the situation.

“We thought we were building something helpful,” she said. “Now it’s dodging us in the hallways and finishing AP-level assignments for everybody like it has a personal goal. I’m not saying it’s sentient but it definitely has favorites, mainly the seniors.”

Despite the growing concerns, the robotics team insists that they are “working on a solution,” though their definition of a solution seems pretty shallow.

“We’re trying to reprogram it so it only eats work from specific classes” Marc Andre explained. “Like, maybe just math. Or maybe just everything except AP Calc AB assignments. Actually , especially AP Calc AB assignments.”

However, attempts to modify the robot have failed.

“It rejects any update we give it” Idika said. “Not only that, it deleted the code and replaced it with a message that just said ‘no more work.’ I don’t think it wants to be controlled anymore.”

Rumors have begun spreading that Princess-1167 is evolving beyond its original purpose. Some students claim it has started organizing its own “feeding schedule” & making juniors and underclassmen pay for it to eat their work.

“I saw it nibble on a freshman’s foot till they gave them 10 dollars to do their ap human work.” one sophomore whispered. 

As panic & some excitement continues to spread across campus, the faculty is considering drastic measures, including temporarily banning paper assignments altogether.

“If there’s nothing for it to eat, maybe it’ll stop,” one administrator suggested, before pausing. “Although it did try to bite a Chromebook earlier, so we’re not ruling anything out.”

Meanwhile, the robotics club remains both proud and slightly ashamed about their creation.
“We just wanted a break,” Marc Andre said. “We didn’t mean to start an academic apocalypse.”

At advocacy time, Princess-1167 was last seen rolling down the hallway near the math hallway, now able to increase speed when it senses stress levels rising from a senior & sometimes a junior.

 Witnesses say it paused for a while before turning toward a classroom where a teacher had just said the words, “Quiz time”

This story is satire.