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Upstream News

The Student-Run News Site of Carnegie Vanguard High School

Upstream News

The Student-Run News Site of Carnegie Vanguard High School

Upstream News

Dear Upstream 3: Hark! Replies to thy quandaries

Loyal+subjects+of+the+Dear+Upstream+series%3A+hear+ye%2C+for+thee+patrons+hath+blessed+thou+with+a+new+edition.
Nadia Talanker
Loyal subjects of the Dear Upstream series: hear ye, for thee patrons hath blessed thou with a new edition.

Good morrow, ladies and gentlesires. Welcome back to another edition of Dear Upstream – CVHS’ one and only advice column.

We declare the following questions to be answered to the best of our ability, by this Council of:

Baron Scott Snollygoster
Sir Neville Ninnyhammer
Archbishop Henry Hobbledehoy


Forgetful Francis, 9th
Dear Upstream,
What should I do if I forgot my locker combination, HISD email and password, laptop password, and AP classroom login?
– Forgot to sign off

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Hi Forgetful Francis! I’m so sorry to hear that you have managed to forget every important numerical code necessary to your academic career. Quite frankly, I believe this is a massive skill issue on part of the lockers, Microsoft Outlook, Windows, and College Board. Instead of going through the appropriate and orthodox procedure for resetting your own passwords, simply sign one of the employees’ personal emails up for an extremely obnoxious mailing list. You’ll get a response from them expeditiously!
P.S.: If you left any food in your locker before forgetting the combination, fuhgettaboutit! The pungent aroma of actively decomposing food items is a staple in many Carnegie hallways. In fact, many The Last of Us fanatics will even appreciate your initiative to bring the Cordyceps brain infection to life! Thanks for your service!

Keep Carnegie Cordy,
xx Council member Neville Ninnyhammer


how [the flip] do you do this [oh my lord], 9th.
Dear Upstream,
I doth protest this school does try mine brain, til Im at the brink of anonymously begging for one answrr said by young priests of truth at the upstream. how now do I go about keeping my teachers and their ever changing ever godlike pace like the lord’s working calendar.
– I thanketh thee

What the gollywag did you just say, lad? What fullcrumpinilious frivilinity just exited your oral opening? How did you so halibastically and harbidiliously – pardon my modern tongue – screw those few sentences up? Your words have left me so unsacraminilodus that I find myself tiliatidly confused and volutipiciously at a loss for words.

School is not working out for you,
xx Council member Scott Snollygoster


i hate ap bio, 12th
Dear Upstream,
how do i cope with senioritis
– sent from my iphone

don’t 🙂

Thoughtfully,
xx Council member Henry Hobbledehoy


William Postlethwaite-Mugglestone, 11th
Dear Upstream,
Why is there no soap sometimes in theatre bathroom?
– Letter encased in uncertainty

Before I respond to your question, I should deplore you for using the word ‘theatre’ instead of ‘theater’. You (American) are appropriating my (British) culture. As my favorite bard once sang, “Watch yourself before you wreck yourself”.
Now: the only logical answer, my dear follower, is that theater students eat soap. Correct – those thirsty thespians do a little more than acting at rehearsal. Working so tirelessly on their spectacular productions often leaves the cast parched, so I don’t blame them. However, I do suggest allocating more of Carnegie’s soap supply to the theater building. Who knows what they’ll turn to next…

Stay hydrated,
xx Council member Scott Snollygoster


Starving, 12th
Dear Upstream,
Should I ask Meta AI to prom?
– Be honest

Yes.
I have thoroughly researched you and I can say for certain that you will not be bagging any b(a)dd(i)es this coming ball. This is a very desperate situation, but no amount of begging nor boot kissing will get you anywhere with today’s generation of women. Your only option is to ask something that physically cannot refuse you.

01000111 01101111 01101111 01100100 00100000 01101100 01110101 01100011 01101011,
xx Council member Scott Snollygoster


:(, 9th
Dear Upstream,
Im having a lot of trouble making friends. Do you think you have any advice on that?
– Looking forward to your response

yeah, i think i do have some advice on that

Phrase your question properly next time,
xx Council member Henry Hobbledehoy


Seusstical, 11th
Dear Upstream,
How/many wives is too/many, said the young mouse/0 did reply the/gay amazing cat.
Do you like my poem?
– I’m interested in a career of bard-ery

No.

Don’t pursue poetry & major in computer science instead & I hope your scrolls get burned & animals can’t talk you fool,
xx Council member Scott Snollygoster


Peanut Butter and Jealous, 12th
Dear Upstream,
I am seeking your advice in my great time of need and hope you would be so gracious as to help a weary soil. How do I become that [fopdoodle]?
– Forever yours

Hi Peanut Butter and Jealous! I would be more than happy to help you as I am very grateful for dirt.
I have thoroughly researched this topic  and unfortunately, I have come to the sad conclusion that being a [fopdoodle] is something you are born as, a variety of hereditary title I presume. I have included my research:

“I just took a DNA test,
Turns out I’m 100% that [fopdoodle],”
(Scholar Lizzo, 219 AD)

As for your sign off, this is all moving so fast. I did not know you felt this way about me, Peanut Butter and Jealous. I will send you my Telegram. Please Telegram me. Please. Please contact me.

Seriously hit my messenger pigeon up some time,
xx Council member Neville Ninnyhammer


Casper the quite frankly very scared ghost, 9th
Dear Upstream,
Recently, I’ve been feeling like I was not alone when I eat lunch (which I am always alone for). Are there any ghosts in the school and how can I avoid them??? I am very scared of ghosts and the thought of them being nearby makes me want to drop out. Danny Phantom is the only exception as I find him proper attractive.
– Cowering in fear

Never admit this to anyone ever again. You sound like a loser and do not even deserve to be featured in this edition, so consider my very response a great privilege. Please get some friends before showing your face at this school again. Carnegie does not need your friendless faults weighing our respectable reputation down.
To answer your question, yes. There are so many ghosts, ghouls, and gharries. We don’t even know what to do with all of them. Help. We are drowning in ectoplasm here at Carnegie Vanguard High School.

I hope this newfound knowledge encourages you to terminate your academic path so no Carnegie student has to see your cowardly, lonely mug again,
xx Council member Scott Snollygoster


in need of female companion, not picky, 12th
Dear Upstream,
Fastest way to get a girlfriend
– N/A

Hi in need of female companion, not picky! You’ve come to the right place – I am somewhat of a master in this field. I have put together a short guide:

  1. ANALYZE. So, a dashing dame caught your attention during Sunday mass? Find out everything about her. From her favorite food to which of her steeds she would eat last, this information can be beneficial when you begin courting her. Also, this is a good stage to find out how much you two have in common. You might share a hobby, or a cousin!
  2. PRESENT. Give the lady a gift so she knows you want her. This is an important step as everyone knows people who are just friends don’t give each other gifts. She will swoon at this display of your riches.
  3. COURT. The most difficult part – initiating courtship. You could ask the lassie out for a spin on your Mustang, or try something more abstract and adventurous, like not giving her a choice.

Your wingman,
xx Council member Neville Ninnyhammer


ooh ooh ah ah, 9th
Dear Upstream,
how do you make friends. middle achool was really hard for me.
– please

Hey! So, clearly making friends was not your only issue. *How *friends? *Middle *school
Everyone struggles in middle school – it’s a horrible period of time with that whole shared experience of fever, memory loss, hallucinations, hair loss, bleeding orifices, changes in bone shape, jaw splitting (to allow room for four great tentacles), skin turning to gore, and shedding exteriors (to reveal new flesh underneath). However, I don’t know anyone who had social trouble in middle school. I bet you’ve never even been to Pump it Up. I honestly laughed very hard when I read your embarrassing question. How amusing!
But not to worry, there’s not a single issue that I haven’t a solution to. You should start by pretending to be someone else, like Beyoncé, Keanu Reeves, or Jack Black – people no one dislikes.

There better not be a plague of loneliness in the freshman class or else I will be positively vexed,
xx Council members Scott Snollygoster and Henry Hobbledehoy


Thank you to all of the precious lasses and lads that reached out to ask for advice or questions. We hope, nay, know that our responses have aided you in some way. In fact, we rescind that ‘thank you’. You’re welcome.

Until next time,
Baron Scott Snollygoster
Sir Neville Ninnyhammer
archbishop henry hobbledehoy

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About the Contributor
Nadia Talanker, Entertainment Editor
Nadia is a senior at CVHS in her 4th year of writing for the Upstream. She has been writing as a hobby and competitively for nearly a decade and her favorite part about journalism is the responses to her articles. She is most interested in psychology, activism/equality, pop culture, video games, and the Olympics, which is reflected in her publications. She associates herself with several nonprofit organizations and enjoys volunteering.
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