Congratulations! You’ve made it through your senior year! Can you believe we’re almost to the end of the year?! You’re about to start a very important chapter of your life and as your college counselors, it is our job to ensure you make the transition smoothly! I know, I know, it’s scary and new. But not to worry, for we are here to bring you our amazing, fantastic, always right, incredibly insightful and great advice! We helped you write your college essays last year, or did you forget?
Now college is a big step, whether you’re staying at home or moving across the country. Packing and getting ready for college can be stressful, so your favorite college admissions officers have decided to compile a list of things that will help you for your first year of college. Make sure to pay very close attention to what we say. It could mean the difference between academic devastation and sweeping success!
- White-out
- You can use this on professors who give you bad grades on purpose; even if they were right in giving you the bad grade, they shouldn’t have had the audacity. Just use it to cover it up and on top of it write out your new name. It might not automatically change the grade online but do not fear, you have physical proof of your new grade!
- Highlighters
- While it may seem obvious why one will need a highlighter, there is a little secret. See, these highlighters aren’t just highlighters. If you mark anything with the tool, the writing will glow and sear itself into your mind! How cool is that?
- Bubble gum
- While it may seem like nothing, bubble gum is very useful. Studies have shown many benefits from chewing gum while taking tests. This is possible because the gum can unlock a larger percentage of our brain! Just chew chew chew! Your head might become a little larger through it but don’t worry! It will eventually go back to its original size.
- Pepper spray
- Thieves from nearby dorms will try to steal your stuff, so make sure you have a taser on your person to subdue them at a moment’s notice. If you’re staying at home, this also applies to you. You never know when a thief or ninja might show up on campus to try and steal your things. Always keep it with you!
- Baseball bat
- There are people on campus who will try to fight you for food in the cafeteria, so you need to be prepared to engage in a ruthless battle with them. Fight for your honor! Don’t let anyone take your food! It is yours by right!
- Disinfectant spray
- Every college student carries a mysterious virus known as taedet omnia (Latin for “tired of everything”) and each dorm is heavily contaminated with this virus at the end of each school year. The spray will be very useful and help you maintain your motivation!
- Microwave + minifridge
- These may seem obvious to everyone, but they have more importance than you know. How else will you conduct your illegal science experiments which will help you start the next multi-billion-dollar enterprise from your dorm room or home? Just make sure not to get caught!
- Your favorite teacher
- For your first test make sure to bring along your favored teacher from high school. This will make sure you pass that first test if you choose well! Don’t worry about others’ reactions, it is completely okay and academically honest!
- Koh-i-Noor diamond
- This one is specifically for the ladies, sorry guys. This famous diamond is said to bring misfortune to men who come in possession of it. So, girls, if a particularly annoying professor is bothering you or failing you…well, you know what to do. 🙂
- Mimir’s Well
- In Norse mythology, if you drink from this well you gain infinite knowledge! You just have to go on a life-changing quest to find it and then make a deal with Mimir. The deal is important! He will not allow you to drink from it unless you give something up (Odin gave up his eye!). But how cool would it be to have infinite knowledge? You’d pass all your classes no problem!
Now that you know everything you need, we wish you the best of luck in this new chapter of your life. College can seem scary and difficult but if you follow our advice, you will cruise right through and have a successful first year of college. Best wishes from us, and don’t forget ‘when in doubt, become a crime fighting bat!’
