Chloe Tran

This could be you! (made with Canva)

Do you need to snag some cash for that concert you’ve been eyeing? Are you in search of pocket money to get that exotic peacock you saw on that one (sketchy) lucrative website? Maybe you need an extra kidney just for funsies! Fear not, because while you might be a broke, lonely, head-in-the-clouds student, there’s always a way to make money.

You might’ve heard from other studies that the best ways for teens to make money are babysitting, internships, working in retail, or maybe even becoming an influencer, but contrary to popular belief, there are better ways to make money as a student. Who would want to put in hard work and spend tireless hours applying your skills to some random job when you just as easily make tenfold the amount of money with the same amount of effort?

For the convenience of my dear readers, I’ve curated a comprehensive list of ways to make money as a student that are actually worth it:

Robbery

It’s a classic. You could be like Flynn Rider from “Tangled” or Benjamin Franklin Gates from “National Treasure,” maybe less famous since you won’t be the one getting caught. Your scale of robbery definitely varies on how rich you want to become. If you want to afford a sweet Corvette, I’m afraid petty crimes like holding a local gas station worker hostage or sneaking into a small local bank won’t cut it (but go ahead, by all means). For those you either need to hit a museum, a larger bank, or the car dealership itself. The best part about robbery is that it gets you more than money, it gets you resources and improves your hide-and-seek skills. If you truly want to take it up a notch, learn how to make and break code! Those high-ranked museums and banks have some firewalls to break and some security systems to breach, but those are a piece of cake.

Pyramid Scheme

If those computer science skills didn’t work from borrowing bank money, then use them towards a more convenient form of money-making! Some people might call it scamming, others call it pyramid scheming, but I call it playing the system in your favor. All you need to do is click this link and watch the money roll in! It’s so easy, and you can do it remotely, whether from the confines of your bedroom or at school. Who knows, maybe you can do it from the inside of the bank vault and knock out two birds with one stone. Just make sure you have a VPN on your device, you can use a combination of my affiliate code (E45Y$$$) and input your social security number in BoredVPN to get 50% off your first year! 

Malware

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to download a few files, only a master detective! Thousands of people have found some useful and undisclosed files with contact information from medicare providers or retirement homes. They’re retired and have pensions, they don’t need any more money. You on the other hand are just getting life started. Old people aren’t just for wisdom and knowledge, but time is money, and let them spend their limited time helping you! An act of service if you will. Send them a quick email, or give them a phone call about their expiring car insurance. They’ve gotta stay on their toes, even in a wheelchair. This method is also sustainable! You can always save that email list or access their will for another time.

Gambling 

“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” except for those dollars in your bank account when you rack up wins at the country’s most lucrative casinos. This one might require a small $250 investment into a small card, and learning how to play poker, blackjack, or some other card game, but those bodyguards don’t need to know that you’re failing Algebra 0. All they need to know is that you’re gonna walk amidst the tables and get that jackpot. Don’t forget to bring an extra set of playing cards that happen to look exactly like the ones the dealers have at the table, and don’t show it to them either! They don’t like other people knowing that secret ;). And if the dealers start side-eyeing you, take a pit stop at one of the slot machines! Research shows that big winners miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, so don’t be shy, stay until closing! That’ll also win back your table privileges, I think…

Identity Theft 

If none of the other options work for you, then maybe it’s your fault! Don’t worry, the easy solution to this is to not be yourself. Be someone better than you, richer than you, smarter than you, more talented overall. The only thing that stands between you as a measly student and becoming a billionaire by the name of Yi Long Ma or Jeph Pezos is one nine-digit number, some banking information and plastic surgery.

So, what are you waiting for? Thank me later when you’ll be attending top award shows in your new yacht and invited to the Wall Street Journal as the next person on “Forbes’ Richest People in the World”!

This story is satire.