The actual secret to getting into college

What is the secrete to college admissions? Read and find out! (Creds: Nicole Rodil Suarez)

What is the secrete to college admissions? Read and find out! (Creds: Nicole Rodil Suarez)

There is something that many people do not realize about college admissions. Of course, we know there are two standardized entrance exams that one must study for extensively. We also know that college admissions officers are highly selective when it comes to choosing which applicants to accept. What people do not realize, however, is that there is actually a secret to being accepted into college. As former college admissions officers, we will discuss what it truly means to be a stand-out applicant.

To begin, a stand-out applicant must be a well-rounded individual. Not only must they have a good academic record, but they also must have something which will make them unique. Meaning, you must be extremely talented in a STEM field. It must be a STEM field because being talented in anything else is a waste of time. An MIT student, for example, said that she had to prove a mathematical theory that would have taken three hundred years for someone else to prove. Doing that took most of her early childhood and adolescent years, which made it impossible for her to make friends. To us, that is only a small price to pay for the world-class education MIT offers.

Even though universities would definitely prefer applicants similar in nature to that MIT student, there have been other applicants who showed their prowess in other ways — namely, in the arts. However, in order for a university to actually consider this type of applicant, they must be globally recognized. An applicant who matriculated at Harvard said that she, out of three thousand dancers, was the only one to be accepted because she worked for the Paris Opera Ballet for ten years. Simply winning local competitions is not enough. Neither is winning a state or a national competition. You need to truly be one of a kind.

College essays are an essential part of the application process, but only when it is done right. Writing a stellar essay is simple. All you need to do is have cancer. If not that, then dead parents. If you are truly pressed for something, then travel to Busan, where you can fight off zombies on a train and write about it later. That way, you can be sure that no one else in the applicant pool will have done what you did.

We really mean it when we say you must be unique and special.

Bruce Wayne in his Batman suit, standing next to a photo of his Yale Degree. (Creds: VULTURE, Photos: DC Comics, Yale Alumni Magazine)

How do you think Bruce Wayne got accepted into Yale? (He really did — read this article.) Mr. Wayne not only lost his parents at such a young age, making him an orphan, but he also is Gotham’s most popular vigilante. He was named one of the world’s greatest detectives because of his amazing skills and quick thinking. Being a billionaire didn’t hurt either.

To summarize, you must be a globally recognized dancer. You must survive a zombie apocalypse in Busan. You also must prove a highly complex mathematical theory. But combined, these things will still not get you accepted into college. So, what is our secret? It’s simple, really.

You need to be Batman.


This article is satire.