U.S. calls Russian attack on McDonald’s a “heinous war crime”


Photo by: Jonathan Smith / Getty Images. Image by: Atahan Koksoy

The last McDonalds restaurant in Kiev, Ukraine was destroyed in a Russian missile strike yesterday.

KYIV, UKRAINE – The Western World has decried the Russian missile attack against the last operating McDonald’s in the besieged city, Upstream News reports. The restaurant, located in Kyiv’s city center and founded in 2008, was obliterated after a Russian missile of unknown type hit the area. No casualties have been reported.

The needless destruction of the establishment has drawn many reactions from world leaders. 

“This is barbaric. We will avenge our golden arches. Ukraine is strong. We will win together.” said Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in a tweet sent earlier today. 

The surprising attack seems to be the latest one in a line of missile strikes by the Russian military on Ukraine’s capital. In the latest week of the conflict, reports are that Russia has switched to less accurate, older, Soviet-era weaponry, so the motivations behind the attack on the defenseless restaurant, a beacon of hope and freedom for the hungry, remain unclear. Russia has not released a statement about the attack. 

The company seems just as in the dark about the attack. “We have no idea why our restaurant was targeted,” said Ronald McDonald III, president and CEO of McDonald’s, Inc, “Sure, we have infiltrated over 100 countries with 37,855 bases across those countries, but Russia should look beyond that. I mean, President Putin loves our McDoubles. He wouldn’t target us. Our thoughts are with those in Kyiv, craving a juicy, mouth-watering Big Mac and bravely fighting off the foreign invaders”. The company has volunteered to donate one million dollars worth of Big Mac patties, including those that will be served with blue and yellow-dyed buns, to the Armed Forces of Ukraine. 

The UN has also launched an investigation into the mysterious attack. Many leaders were outraged and expressed solidarity with Ukraine amidst the attacks. 

“What they [the Russians] have done is a war crime. Why would anybody destroy a restaurant and deprive millions of those shiny crispy chips? Why would they attack an establishment that offers solace to the weak and weary with cool, crisp lettuce, creamy sauce, perfectly cooked beef, and soft, waves of luxurious soft-serve ice cream? It makes no rational sense. It is an unspeakable act,” said British Prime minister Boris Johnson. 

The United States agrees. In a special press release, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin expressed his condolences and promised more aid to Ukraine. “These events just should not be allowed to happen,” he said. “We will send new air defense systems and weapons to Ukraine immediately,” he continued. “We are also concerned that other golden arches may be attacked by Russia, and are imploring personnel in Ukraine to protect these important institutions. A Pizza Hut in Kharkiv was also just attacked. This is affecting both Ukrainian morale, and US business, and these unspeakable acts will not go unpunished.”

Germany, meanwhile, has expressed a more reluctant stance, as was the case at the beginning of the war.

“I eat a Quarter Pounder with Cheese from time to time, just like everyone else,” said German Chancellor Olaf Scholz, in a tweet sent earlier today. “This does not mean that the proud people of Germany need to go out of their way to protect these establishments. We have real meat here in Germany- jägerschnitzel, spanferkel, schweinebraten, sauerbraten. I advise people to stay safe while we try to negotiate with Russia.” 

The Ukrainian people themselves do not appear too worried by the destruction of the beloved restaurant. One witness to the attack was interviewed by a reporter for Upstream News. “Yes, I went there a few times,” she said. “But people should not be too alarmed with the destruction. Russia has been attacking civilians since the war began.” 

Reports that volunteer militants were using the McDonald’s as a base of operations, meanwhile, were circulated by Russian state media, and have been called “absurd.”

“The only things hidden there were burgers and fries,” said General Valerii Zaluzhnyi.